When I first got divorced, the fact I was a dad hung over me constantly–probably because I was doing SOD (swipe/online dating), where everything on your profile is constantly under the microscope. Sometimes I put it on my profile, but when I did, I noticed my matches would go down significantly, so after awhile I stopped mentioning it.
This is another one of the reasons I hate that shit with a passion–it makes you question everything about who you are and how you present yourself, because women online are super fucking shallow to the point of being completely unrealistic. Because of the nature of the medium, you almost have to lie in order to get matches–these chicks aren’t looking for a real person: they’re looking for the perfect, rich, alpha Chad who wants to settle down with them and not only accepts all their flaws, but loves them.
Anyway, that’s a horrible mindset for a player to have–that he has to check all these boxes. If you’re not one hundred percent confident in who you are and one hundred percent able to maintain that frame, women can smell it and you’re probably dead before you start.
As a guy, you’re far better off to own who you are and believe in it than to pretend to be something you’re not. Indeed, I think that’s one of the true secrets of game–for the person you present to be congruent with who you really are. That’s the reason guys can’t fake their way into becoming a PUA; I mean, yeah, fake it til you make it–you have to try first, and that won’t ever be authentic. Of course you try anyway. But eventually, to become truly good at game, you have to become the player you present yourself to be.
But back to the point: if you’ve got kids, own it. I know as a guy we look at single moms as landmines–and with good reason. Because a single mom is likely: extremely busy, looking for commitment (aka a provider), a pain in the ass, entitled, and bad at making decisions/navigating the world.
However, what I didn’t understand is that this is NOT the way women look at men with kids. For one, it’s maybe the best preselection you could possibly have: another woman wanted your genes for her children. Second, if you’re over a certain age, it almost comes with the territory–a lot of guys in their 30’s and 40’s are going to have kids, especially guys who have their shit together and are good looking. Why? Because what’s the likelihood in our blue pill world that a dude who is both good looking and successful hasn’t had a woman in his life who wanted to lock that shit down and reproduce?
Are there girls who won’t date you because you’re a dad? Absolutely. But honestly, they’re not the ones you want anyway–women who make that determination are probably hitting the wall: the reason they don’t want to date a guy with kids is because they’re looking for someone who can commit to them long term.
Now, here’s the thing: every girl thinks she’s looking for something longterm–that’s what they tell themselves in their head or think logically (another reason why SOD is problematic–they’re looking for both alpha and beta traits, and as Rollo notes, it’s rare that one man possesses both). However, we know that’s not in fact true. Women are not driven to mate with men for whom there is a logical attraction–they mate with men who give them the feelz.
So what are women really looking for?
Women in their 20’s are mostly looking to fuck Chads/alphas, and the vast majority won’t care if you’re a dad. If you have game and are good looking and interesting, it actually probably adds something to the allure–a fun story she can tell her friends.
As I pointed out in the story about my evolution in game, I’ve slept with at least 8 girls in their 20’s this year, including a 21, 22, and 24 year-old (I’m late 30’s), and they all knew I had a kid and not one of them cared.
At whatever point they start to hit the wall (25-35), they start looking for Billy beta to be the provider, and then of course, they don’t want a guy who’s divorced or had kids, because now it’s all about that Disney fairytale wedding.
Anyway, the player should want nothing to do with a woman like this. In fact, not even a guy who’s looking for an LTR/marriage should want a woman in this category.
Because if she’s pretty she’s likely to have ridden the cock carousel, and no matter how much frame you’ve got or how alpha you are, she’s not going to be satisfied with you in the long run. Oh sure, she may say she loves you–and she may really mean it–but after a few years she’ll get bored of you and want someone else. By the way, that’s after she’s done everything in her power during your relationship to make you a beta cuck.
Now, the thing is, if you run good game, some of these girls will still want to fuck you: they can’t help it–it’s in their DNA. But if you do end up banging a girl who’s hitting the wall and wants to get serious, I’d echo what TheRedQuest said: catch and release.
That brings us to post wall women, and they for sure won’t care–they’re just happy to get what they can get and a lot of them probably have children anyway.
So yeah, some girls will be thrown off by the fact you’re a dad, but mostly just the ones you don’t want anyway. In any case, if it comes up and she seems weird about it, treat it as a shit test.
Reminder: agree and amplify, ignore, or disqualify.
A simple one I’ve used when girls have brought it up with me…
Her: “You have a kid? I didn’t know you had a kid.”
Me: “Oh darlin, that’s only one of the skeletons in my closet–you don’t know the half of it.”
Or another thing you can do is call out the pre-selection–another A & A: “yeah, and probably a couple more I don’t know about.”
The one piece of advice I’d say is don’t bring it up until it comes naturally in conversation. Good game should mainly be about her: what you can tell about her and what you think of her (push-pull/cat-string theory), and what she’s saying to qualify herself to you. The less you’re a topic of conversation the better.
Single moms do this horribly: they’ll talk non-stop about their kids, trying to prove to you what a good mom they are and at the same time testing to see if you care–and they probably should. They’re looking for beta providers.
But you’re not looking for commitment, nor is the girl you’re trying to game. You’re Chad, alpha male, and the fact you have a kid–other than the fact it means other women want you genes, which is a plus–doesn’t really come into it.
Seriously, I’ve only had one girl end things with me (out of like 30 since I started dating again) once she found out I had a kid, and that was back when I was doing SOD and was just starting in game and had no idea what I was doing. Looking back I probably could have banged her if I had the game I have now.
Anyway, I’ll have to do a post on logistics and how that all works at some point, but TL;DR–don’t sweat the fact you’ve got a kid. It’s not really going to hurt you at all. Just own that shit and work on your game.
Oh, and lift motherfucker. Lift.