“Occam’s razor: the simplest solution is usually correct.
“From a scientific standpoint, it’s pretty simple: I’m dating women I find attractive, & the vast majority aren’t nurturing or appreciative bc our culture has told women that those aren’t important aspects of their person.”
The above is the last statement I made in DMs w/ Dr. Lucas Bly, which I reread this morning to see if he’d replied (great guy–I really appreciate him making me think things through). By the way, the whole conversation was based on a great tweet by Nash:
I lead with this, however, because in his questioning Dr. Bly forced me to reveal a profound truth: the lack of femininity we see as players and men today is not merely selection bias in terms of choosing more r-selected girls (of course, we DO definitely select for promiscuous girls–or at least, I do–but even those girls should have feminine qualities).
It’s a reflection of a culture where we’ve lost male/female polarity.
Let’s face it: There are lots of guys she can date, live with, or marry, but the only socially acceptable scenario in which a woman can surrender to a man is if he’s a massively ripped, handsome guy in his late 20’s or 30’s, or a rock/movie star–and even then, only for a short time.
Because no matter who the guy is, if he’s anywhere near her peer group, our culture tells women they must be in charge, they must hold the frame & as we all know, women do what society expects, generally speaking. But we also know, they secretly resent it: they’re uncomfortable with dominance, and they hate men who become submissive.
So we produce women who don’t understand how to appreciate or nurture a man, unless he’s their father. This is why a daddy/daughter dynamic is one of the only ways a relationship can last, because it’s the only paradigm where society allows her to be submissive.
This is the power of game in general, but day game especially–it forces her to see you in a different way: you didn’t match on Tinder and you didn’t slime her into bed by pretending to be friends, or after drinks at a work party. You aren’t an acquaintance she met through social circle, and to begin with at least, she can’t place you, and therefore none of the rules apply.
Just you and the girl.
Masculine energy; feminine beauty.
You’re different–BOLD. Good day game establishes male/female polarity, and as long as you hold that frame, even if you marry the girl, she’s forced to respect it. You pass her shit tests, you command and lead, and when all else fails, you withdraw attention.
The bad news? She still may not appreciate and nurture you the way most men want, because she doesn’t understand how OR because you’re a Chad to her, nothing more…
But the question I think Dr. Bly was trying to get me to answer was: how can I evoke these qualities in the women I date?
Theory: keep your dates and relationships in a state of polarity.
OK, so we know what the tools and self declared “alphas” in the manopshere would say: hold the frame and establish dominance.
Let’s be clear–that’s easy to say; difficult to do.
And it could mean a million different things. No advice is better than vague platitudes (which is why you shouldn’t trust those guys–for all we know they’re playing “alpha” on Twitter and getting bossed around by their wives or girlfriends the rest of the time), so let me give a few examples of things that have worked well for me in the past in terms of establishing polarity in dating and relationships.
The first isn’t original–it’s a Tom Torero trick he talked about on one of his podcasts. You give the girl something to do. Great example: she’s coming over for drinks and charcuterie–ask her to bring dessert. If you really want to cue her feminine tendencies, tell her it has to be homemade.
Here you are challenging her, but in doing so you’re promising energy. The woman responds by receiving that energy and complying.
Another good relationship type trick is to take her shopping. I know, I know–but if you do it right, she’s literally modeling for you all afternoon. It only takes a few suggestive comments or touches to get her going after. Or during (sex in a dressing room is now officially a goal). But moreover, she is the object of beauty, you are the masculine energy. You give, she receives.
Seems to me, the more time the relationship spends in that dynamic, the better. Masculine energy gives; feminine beauty receives.
Role play is a classic example of this: she dresses up as a school girl and you’re the teacher or principal–the masculine/feminine dynamic is set up from the outset. Obviously incorporating BDSM in your sex life, with you–the man–as the dom and her as the sub (see RedQuest’s book). Again, there’s a clear power dynamic in those roles: masculine energy gives, feminine beauty receives. This is also why I don’t think guys should let women be the dom.
This is also where a lot of the things a relationship counselor might tell couples can work to establish polarity: date night, experiments in the bedroom, cooking together, physical activities–like hiking or a bike ride.
The reason they don’t work for most couples is…they’re scheduled. Obviously something contrived lacks originality, but the reason it doesn’t work is more complicated–it’s because when things are scheduled, planned, prescribed, the feminine is in the position of having to show up and perform–she is giving energy equal or greater to the man.
That’s not her role. And it strips the interaction of polarity.
Instead of Masculine energy gives; feminine beauty receives, no one knows who’s giving or receiving, nor how much. Both equally presumably?
Wrong. And this is where relationships fail and marriages go sexless.
It’s funny, but in the course of writing this, I realized that this is the same reason feminism is so toxic: because it seeks to destroy polarity. It robs us of our natural roles–which is why so many women are miserable harpies and so many men are spineless faggots who say things like, “happy wife, happy life.” Feminism robs women of their inner beauty and strips men of their energy and power…but I digress.
Anyway, I’m going to try to inspire this dynamic with the next batch of women I date whenever lockdown ends–and to be clear, this is where good game is always pointing us: masculine energy gives, feminine beauty receives.
But sometimes I think it helps to have a North Star.
Like in pickup, “if you’re not sure where you’re at in the set, qualify her,” Mystery reminds us. That helps me a ton in both day and night game–if shit starts going sideways: qualify.
So maybe a good North Star in dating and relationships is: Masculine energy gives; feminine beauty receives. And hopefully, this prompts the woman to become the beautiful, appreciative, nurturing being she is meant to be.
Definitely better times to be a player, but hopefully the future is promising. Much love brothers.