Note: Magnum has a great post on how to reduce and deal with flakes–what follows is more an explanation of why it happens, although the reminders at the end should be helpful.
Chatting with another player on Twitter who’s dealt with a ton of flaky chicks lately and felt the need to spell a few things out, for the sake of everyone’s collective sanity.
Before we get to the why, let’s just make one thing super clear: flaking happens to EVERY GUY who’s in the game. If you’re a single man, who’s dating, you’re going to get flaked on (probably true for women as well, but it’s far less common–men tend to show up).
Of course it happens to your average blue-pill beta who matches with a few wildebeests a month on the apps, but it also happens to super high caliber guys, who are both wealthy and good looking.
So if you come across a guy who says he never gets flaked on, or chicks who say only losers get flaked on, it’s quite simple: they’re lying. Or delusional.
OK. With that caveat, let’s dispel with the why of this problem.
It’s very simple: women today–especially hot and young–have a ton of options. She’s got guys hitting her up on IG, guys hitting her up on dating apps, and probably at least a few guys she knows through social circle or work who are interested as well.
The other thing–and I worry about this quite a bit–is that SOD has become so normalized, it’s almost odd for girls to get approached, or date guys they meet IRL. Now, this is really dumb, because the guy she meets on Tinder is more likely to be a weirdo than the PUA she meets in a coffee shop–and in truth, if it was a good interaction, she knows there’s chemistry with the PUA as opposed to the random Chad on the apps.
But for whatever reason, there’s a stigma to dating some random guy she’s met as opposed to the guy on Tinder. Because I don’t know–pictures?
Again, this is stupid and counterintuitive, but as we all know, women aren’t rational. So my guess is that some number of chicks just aren’t going to date a guy she meets on the street or the bar, because somehow that’s weird. Probably also influenced by COVID to some degree.
However, putting this aside, the larger issue I suspect is that a lot of chicks are frozen by the abundance of choice they have. Study after study has shown that when people have too many options, they either make worse choices, or they don’t make any choice at all. And, by not making a choice, she’s still getting that constant dopamine hit of attention from all these guys who are interested, even if she has no intention of coming out.
Like, if you’ve been on Tinder, or some of the other apps, a lot of chicks put their IG and SnapChat on their profile, because it’s a thirst trap–they love the attention. It is literally addictive. Indeed, my guess is there are a lot of girls out there, even very hot ones, who don’t fuck guys often or much at all, because they don’t need to: they can get the validation of male attention without actually having to do anything to deserve it other than be pretty and take lots of pictures of themselves.
Related to this is the number of young women (and young people generally) who have “social anxiety.” Turns out, if all you do is stare at your phone all day, text people on Snap, post shit on Tik-Tok or IG, and binge watch Netflix, it’s actually very difficult to talk to people–like actually scary. If you don’t believe me, the next time you’re out, watch how groups of young people interact when they’re together: they’re all on their phones, often not even talking to each other, except to show someone the occasional picture or video or meme.
It’s really sad, but definitely a factor. Maybe you ran great game with that little 21 yo chick on campus, but if she’s addicted to her phone and has “social anxiety”, even if you get the number, chances are she’s never coming out–and not necessarily because she’s not interested, but because the prospect of going on a real date is terrifying.
The final thing to consider in terms of flaking is that a lot of chicks who are hot and young DO actually have a boyfriend or fuckbuddy. So again, you might run good game and get the number because she likes the attention, but when push comes to shove she’s not coming out. The comfort she feels with her BF > than excitement she feels about dating you.
OK, so there are lots of reasons why flaking happens, but a few reminders here:
#1: Flaking is part of the game, and it always will be.
So accept it and don’t take it personally–in all likelihood it probably has very little to do with you.
Remember: most chicks aren’t good at judging guys. They’re just not. And the default, given SOD, is she’s going to date the HAWTest guys she has access to, which means the guy doing cold approach is at a disadvantage, unless he’s super good looking. She may have liked you during the approach, but she can’t pull up an app and look at your pics, and this other guy has ripped abs, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is where IG can potentially be helpful. I haven’t experimented with this enough, but after you get her number (IG is not a strong close), if there’s a way to suggest you connect on IG, it can be a way to demonstrate value, as well as establishing some comfort. Another option here would be to ping with some photos of you doing cool shit and/or looking badass.
Again, to be honest, I’m still too new to game to know a great solution for this problem, but going back to the overall point: some potentially large number of chicks are going to flake, and that’s just the way it is and always will be.
Good news is that this can be overcome in terms of sheer numbers. The more chicks you talk to, the more numbers you get, the more likely it is one of them comes out. It’s called math, and despite what the “wokeness” cult wants to say, math is still real.
#2: If she really likes you–if the game is good, polarizing, sexual–there’s a much greater chance she comes out.
A mistake a lot of guys make when they first get into cold approach is that their sets are too bland–too nice and friendly.
You may get the number, and the set might have been pleasant and fun, but unless you’re triggering that “I need to fuck this guy” energy in the set, a lot of chicks are going to see you as just some nice guy who gave her attention.
This is where teasing, sexual spikes, and a polarizing frame are key. If I think back to the numbers I’ve gotten of chicks who came out, it was typically a very sexual, suggestive conversation.
Point is: you have to be DIFFERENT–she has to see some combination of mystery, dark triad, and/or raw sexual energy. This is where having some sort of archetype you’re representing, along with good fashion and accessories, plus maximizing your SMV are huge. My best run in game was when I was in the best shape of my life–and there’s a reason for that. Game still matters of course, but there’s a blackpill aspect of sexual attraction that you can’t fake unless you’re in prime physical condition.
Pat’s right–so get your diet squared a way and get in the gym.
#3: Calibration, calibration, calibration–never stop learning and getting better.
To piggyback on point #2, if you’re getting tons of flaky numbers, you need to adjust what it is you’re doing.
This is super tricky, especially given current circumstances with COVID, where there are fewer sets and opportunities to run game. TBH, I haven’t day gamed in a few weeks, but what I’ve noticed, along with Mr. V and Breeze, is that we’re only getting like 5-6 sets per two hours, whereas before it might have been pretty easy to get 9 or 10.
In any case, this is where you need to get really good at calibration and why I recommend guys record their sets if possible. Because as we know, some number of chicks are going to flake no matter how good your game is, but on the other hand, if the game is too friendly/nice-guy, some chicks who might come out with more polarizing game, won’t.
So, at the end of each set or session, write a field report, or at least analyze what happened with each girl you talked to–here’s a checklist that might be helpful. Ideally you’re doing all of these things, but at the very least you should be ticking off three to four in each set:
- Did you make a direct SOI (statement of intent)? Examples: you look sexy, hot, cute. Because if you didn’t tell her you thought she was attractive in no uncertain terms, she’s going to wonder what you’re after, or even if she does know, you’ve given her zero indication you’re the kind of guy who can pull the trigger and escalate.
- Did you make her comfortable? Usually this is simply calling out the fact it’s not normal to talk to a random person, and then giving a reason why it’s OK. You want her to have the butterflies from meeting you, but if she feels scared or unsafe, game over–she may just give the number to get rid of you.
- Did you stack properly? This is perhaps the hardest part of game, but also where you’re going to separate yourself from other guys. Stacking is storytelling, demonstrating value, showing her you’re fun and interesting. This should ideally happen shortly after the open. A big part of what women want in a man is someone who’s entertaining to be with–if you don’t show her this part of you, she’ll be far less inclined to go on a date.
- Did you tease her and flirt? One I often resort to is telling a girl she’s “dangerous”, the kind of girl who seduces men and leaves a trail of broken hearts behind her. Or it can be silly, as with the chick I unsuccessfully gamed at the coffee shop recently. Alternately, you can tell her she’s a good girl and not your type, that she’s too young, too old (careful here), etc. Hand in hand with this is qualifying her (why is she special or interesting), disqualifying her, negging, and/or disqualifying yourself. All of this should be done with a big smirk and in a fun/lighthearted manner.
- Did you throw in a sexual spike–ideally more than one? Recently listened to a set Breeze did, and within the first minute he teases her about being naked. This is exactly the kind of thing you should incorporate. When you walk away, she needs to have that little warm horny feeling in the pit of her stomach. One trick that’s maybe more applicable to night game is to ask if she’s a good kisser, but even in day game, part of the conversation should be sexual.
- Did you vibe with her on something shared. In a recent one-off set I did with a waitress (she was texting back immediately for awhile, but then when I made the date suggestion, ghost town, lol), we talked about camping and different places we’d gone. Point here is that she needs to see you, not as normal, but as sharing something she likes or cares about. Books, movies, TV shows, hobbies, travel, even sports can all be good topics to vibe on.
- Finally, did you ground the set by stating what you’d do for a date? Maybe she likes tennis, so you say you’ll text her to set up a time to play, or maybe she says she’s into wine, so you say there’s a great wine bar nearby you want to take her to. Key here is that if she has some idea of what you’ll do on the date, some reason to see you again, she’s much less likely to flake.
Hopefully that’s a helpful list for guys. And again, strongly recommend reading Magnum’s post as he covers a lot of stuff I didn’t get into here.
The last thing I’ll say on flaking, ghosting, and all this noise, is that…it sucks. No, it’s usually not personal, or that there’s anything wrong with you, but as human beings, it’s natural to feel that way. And it’s not a good sign for our society that it’s become so common to simply ignore or reject people without even so much as a polite excuse, or to flake on date last minute without telling the other person before hand or offering to reschedule.
Kinda goes hand in hand with my post yesterday: Men take responsibility; women take advantage. From her view, you’re just one of many, and the fact is a lot of women out there are so entitled and shitty that they take your attention for granted and feel zero need to show common courtesy in return.
Understand, however, that this behavior isn’t without consequence. Treating people as if they don’t matter is mean, and it engenders a kind of selfishness that leads to a relatively miserable life. Moreover, a woman’s shelf-life in terms of attractiveness typically doesn’t last very long, and at some point, a lot of chicks are going to find out, cruelly, that when the thirst dries up, there were a lot of guys they passed on and a lot of time they wasted sating their need for attention as opposed to making real connections with real people. The likes and views she gets on IG and Tik-Tok might make her feel all warm and fuzzy inside at the time, but in truth it’s false validation, and no one’s going to give a shit when she’s 35 and 20 lbs overweight.
Not a great time to be a player fellas, but it’s getting better bit by bit. The vaccine is coming, and by next summer hopefully things are back to normal, and in the interim my guess is more chicks start coming out and game gets better.
In the meantime, God speed and good luck!