Guest post: incidental approaching and why you need to make her earn you attention.

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This is a guest post written by Lee Smith. He podcasts at Redhead Official and he has a link to a Fitness Psychology Report as well.

RP’s note: I haven’t personally had a ton of success giving my number or a card, which is something the author advocates here in Scenario 1–I’d say do the same stuff and get her number, but as with all things, try things and see what works for you. Also, I haven’t experimented with asking girls to call, as seems like text has become the go-to medium, but maybe it works? Would love to hear from guys.

Additionally, he’s talking about two kinds of approaches that don’t typically fall in the LDM, what I would call incidental approaches.

Also, on the open, remember that these are always situational and personal–what works for one guy may not work for another guy (like the high five he mentions–seems good if the situation lends itself to that–in other cases, you might try for the handshake or simply stick with verbal).

The open itself doesn’t need to be scripted, but it needs to accomplish two things: 1) stops her, 2) engages her. Really good list of IOIs here in Scenario 2.

Remember, as always, if you’re interested in writing a guest post, contact me through the site and we’ll work something out! OK, no more stuff from me–here’s Lee’s post.

Ok so we’ve all been there: a woman who has piqued our interest and we’d like to meet her. I’m going to walk you through two common scenarios and how to come out a winner in each!

Scenario 1: approaching when a girl is leaving or in a rush.

The first scenario is when time is of the essence. For example, you lay eyes on her just as her Uber is arriving. So she’s walking out of a coffee shop you’re about to enter because her Uber just pulled up. 

Obviously, you need to work quickly! The good news is you really have nothing to lose. Plus, the more memorable you are the better. So don’t be afraid to position yourself so that she has to go through you to get to her ride. 

Couple this with some non-threatening body language like hold your hand up like you want her to high-five you. You can partner this with a smile. If she high-fives you, hold her hand and see if she stops. Say “Hi”. At this point if she has stopped to engage with you, get right to the point. “Hey! My name is ___________ and I think you’re sexy as hell. What’s your name? Ok Heather, Here’s my card. I want you to call me tonight.”

If you can’t position yourself in her way, then just say something like “Hey, I just want to talk to you for a minute! My name is ____________ and you are?”

“Ok cool, Sheila. I’m just trying to see what’s going on with you later tonight. This is my card. Text me when you get a minute.”

Or, “Let me get your number”. The great thing about these situations is they tend to remove any ambiguity. You’re way less likely to get stuck in the “Friend Zone” because you’re making your intentions known right from the beginning.

Two points to mention here before I move on to the 2nd scenario. One is if she has no interest, she won’t engage with you at all. So don’t worry about having to discern that. It will be quite obvious. The second point is she may tell you she has a boyfriend. She may. But she may be shit testing you. So if she says that just say rather dismissively “Oh I know that. But what’s up for later?” If she’s still there talking to you, shoot another shot.

RPs note: typically when a girl says she has a BF, it’s an indicator of disinterest (IOD)–but I agree with the author here–you may as well treat it as a shit test, especially if she’s still talking to you. Just don’t expect a large percentage of “BF girls” to give a number or show up if they do.

That’s typically the best you can do in a situation like that. But if you’re someplace with her for a period of time it’s different. Let’s take that same coffee shop but change the scenario. This time she’s there when you walk in and she’s working on her laptop.

Scenario 2: sharing a workspace.

Let’s say you need to do a few things on your laptop as well. So you sit down within polite conversation distance of her. This is when you absolutely do not give her free attention. Now to pull this off effectively it helps to look the part. There are no shortcuts.

Meaning even if you’re not dressed for work, you need to look presentable. And I can’t overstate the importance of a clean and masculine cologne or fragrant oil that doesn’t overpower. If she’s single (or not) she’s should have already noticed you. This is where a lot of guys give over their power to women. We talk about “holding frame” and this is related to that. If you talk to her first and try to engage her, it gives her a chance to be coy and play games.

Instead, don’t even look in her direction. If she’s interested, and finds you attractive, she’ll start giving you subtle and not-so-subtle clues she wants your attention. But the key here is you want her to want you, not just your attention.

So what are some of the signs? In no particular order.

  1. She starts playing with her hair.
  2. She begins softly talking to herself but loud enough for you to hear.
  3. If she’s with another woman and they begin to start talking all of a sudden. Especially if it’s about dating and/or relationships
  4. She says nothing but seems to be going out her way to not look at you. This could be a sign that she thinks you would know her intentions instantly if she looked at you. (And you would haha)
  5. She gets up to go to the bathroom or do something and engages you. Like asking you to watch her belongings.

If she exhibits any of this behavior it’s safe to assume she wants you to make a move. But how you make the move and when, will set the tone for all your future interaction. So here’s the key: Make her give you something before you give attention. How?

You can ask to borrow her charger for a few minutes. You can ask her if she has change for $20. You can ask her to watch your stuff while you go to the bathroom. The key is to get a small commitment from her.

RP’s note: this is the Ben Franklin effect–it works–I’ve gotten numbers off several girls after asking them to watch my computer for a minute.

Then you can tell her a little about you. Then ask about her. Is she there working on a project? Where is she from? Is she just visiting? Does she sing or play any instruments? If she doesn’t but you do, that’s a plus.

If she asks why you asked, just tell her you’re just trying to find out if she has a secret identity. Like maybe she just got off tour with Taylor Swift or Rihanna or Beyonce or whoever would be a good fit to throw out there. If you play or sing she’ll almost always ask where you perform and can she come?

But the key to making any of this work is to be the type of guy women notice. So if you’re not in shape, stop reading and go take a walk. After the walk, call a gym and ask for some tips. Or go on YouTube and enter “Get Shredded” in the search bar.

But beyond physical self-improvement, practice making women earn your attention. And the more incredible-looking she is, the harder you need to make her work. This is obviously just scratching the surface of this topic. However if you begin adopting these methods, you’ll stop giving your time and attention to women who haven’t proven they want them!


  1. Solid post. I’m always a huge fan of being extremely up front about your intentions – I’ve always had the most success with, “I think you’re sexy” or “Hey , you’re hot. I’m Andy. Watcha up to?”


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