So, the best resource on texting is still Mr. V’s guide to texting.
It’s actually kinda funny: right before he posted his guide, I’d been working on one of my own, and then he published it and I was like, fuck–he done did it. No point in muddying the waters when someone’s done a much better and more thorough job of giving advice than you were prepared to do.
That said, I’ve noticed a few common mistakes guys are making–including guys who call themselves players (and maybe are–borderline at least), and I thought it might be useful to put together a list of best practices in terms of texting. Again, this is not as comprehensive as Mr. V’s guide, nor as nuanced. My hope, however, is that it can serve as a good reminder of what to do and what not to do, as well as how to think about this crucial part of modern game.
First, let’s establish some basic principles.
Remember, principles override rules (which we’ll come to), and are the most important guide to your texting decisions. For example, one rule we all should know by now is never double text…but if in the particular situation it makes sense–like Chad would do it, or you know she wants to hang out so you don’t care how it looks–then the rules go out the window.
Moreover, guys should mostly learn to govern their decisions by principles, not rules. For example, I can tell you what you should and shouldn’t text a girl based on her last text, but ultimately, you know her and the situation better, so if you understand the principles, your best idea about what to say is probably better than anything I can tell you.
Principle 1: If she wants to hang out, she’ll figure out a way to hang out.
Guys sometimes think that they can text or DM their way to a date and therefore a lay.
There is no magic text or sequence of texts that will get a girl out who isn’t interested.
I mean, OK, so maybe there’s some crazy 0.1% of the time for some very small percentage of girls where she’s so fucking thirsty and needy and horny that the first guy to text her gets laid, but the other 99.9% of the time, if she’s not texting you back, she’s probably NEVER going to.
And here’s why: because she doesn’t want to fuck you. Ever. And if you have a hard time understanding that, think of it this way: is there anything a girl you’re genuinely not attracted to could text to make you want to fuck her?
On the other hand, if you want to fuck a girl and she wants you to fuck her, is there anything that’s going to stop you barring an act of God?
So why would you expect women to be different?
You shouldn’t, and the TL;DR here is if she’s not getting back to you, move the fuck on and get more leads. She’s not attracted to you, and there’s nothing you’re going to say over text that’s going to change that.
The point here is to understand that how you present yourself initially is going to go a long way toward your overall success with chicks. If your first impression with her is a guy she wants to fuck, you stand a good chance of getting her attention. If not, welcome to ghost town.
This is the main reason why cold approach allows guys to get younger and hotter chicks than they can on dating apps (and it’s not close unless the guy is a 9–even then probably). Because the polarity of the interaction is itself a turn on, involves more of her senses, and activates that sexual hindbrain, especially if done well. She can see the sexual desire in your eyes, hear that deep, masculine voice, feel your energy.
Principle 2: while you can’t get a girl by texting, you can lose one.
If you present as a chodey loser by doing any of the things described below, you will almost certainly dry her pussy like the nerdiest loser talking about the nuances of Star Realms. Thing is, if she really likes you, it might not matter, because again, think of it from a guy’s perspective: if you want to fuck a chick because she’s hot, what would it take texting-wise for you to not want to fuck her?
Probably quite a lot.
However, if she’s on the fence, there is real danger.
The first reason is that if she’s hot and young, she probably has lots of guys texting her, which means if you’re douchey and needy, she may be less inclined to go out with you as compared to other guys who are demonstrating Chad-like indifference.
The second reason is that your frequency and interest in texting is an indication of your relative abundance and neediness. Guys who don’t fuck chicks regularly text more often and their texts are longer, because they are by definition, needier.
Long story short, you probably can’t win a girl through text, but you can most certainly lose her. So keep it tight.
Principle 3: what would Chad do?
This seems a useful point I always return to when thinking about how to interact with women–would Chad, a guy who has abundance with women, do it? If not, then you shouldn’t either, because even if you don’t have abundance with women, you want to project to her that you do.
On this note, I’m going to make a strange recommendation: it’s advisable to have at least one woman you’re having regular sex with at all times, EVEN IF she’s not the best looking. Now to be clear, I’m not saying you should be sleeping with Wildebeests on Tinder, but I do think it’s better to be sleeping with a 6 while trying to pursue 8s, as opposed to being celibate in the pursuit of those same hotter chicks.
Smarter men than me, like Redquest, agree on this point.
Because, as I’ve written before, somehow chicks know when you’re fucking other chicks, and it turns them on–a fact that’s backed up by multiple studies. Time and again, women find guys who are in a relationship MORE attractive than his single counterpart.
So get thee a sidepiece and keep her if you can.
What follows is a list of best practices or rules guys should keep in mind when texting with chicks who are actually in play (not sliding in DMs, but actual leads, whether through cold approach or OLD). As I said above, principles override rules, so if one conflicts with the other, go with the principle.
#1: When you first engage, shoot for a short, but intense, back and forth.
I typically think between two and four is good, as in you text, she texts back, two to four times in the back and forth, with her replying last.
The reason is that you want to hook her–you want her to invest a bit and get used to the idea of texting and talking to you. Sure, you want to be mysterious and all that, but texting her once and then not replying in this day and age is incongruent. It actually makes it look like you’re playing games on purpose (and TBH, you are).
So a few things here: if you’re texting on a dating app and you ask for her number (this should happen after 4-7 replies on the app), you should text her right away or shortly thereafter when she gives it to you.
If it’s cold approach, you have two options:
- Text right away, as she’s standing there or immediately after the interaction. If you do this, then you should wait a few hours before saying anything more, then go for the initial back and forth times three/four.
- Text a few hours later. If you do this, whenever she replies you should kinda mirror her reply time. So, if right away, respond right away. If it’s not for two days, you shouldn’t reply for at least four hours (not technically mirrored, but the point is that if you’re not a priority to her, she shouldn’t be one for you).
#2: Never double text–STFU until she replies.
It’s astonishing how often I see guys do this, but this is the cardinal sin of texting. Cause chick’s on her phone 24/7. She saw your stupid text. And if she wanted to reply, guess what?
She would have.
This is especially true if you’ve asked a question (a good reason NOT to ask questions if they can be avoided–see #3) or pitched a date. Actually, a great example of this is one of Roy Walker’s recent lay reports, where the girl is incredibly unresponsive at first, then starts playing games and being fussy…but guess what? By not reacting, not double texting, Roy eventually gets her out and gets the lay. It’s a fantastic example where doing nothing actually accomplishes something, because he’s signaling non-neediness and abundance.
Quick point on pitching the date: it is SUPER common for girls to take a long time to respond to a date request. I don’t know why that is, but it is. So just chill the fuck out. If she wants to come out, she’ll reply. If not, go talk to more girls.
The one exception about double texting is if the second text immediately follows the first. Like this:
I double text her and also use a gay emoji, but it’s fine given the circumstances of her text and the fact I text two things immediately without waiting for a reply.
#3: Avoid questions–make statements or commands if possible.
If she feels pressured in ANY WAY, she’s going to peace out. Why? Because Chad doesn’t care. The guy who’s getting laid isn’t being a needy bitch.
This is why you should generally avoid asking questions, because the asking of a question itself implies a response, which means you’re forcing her to a choice: respond accordingly, or don’t reply at all.
So instead of: “Do you want to get a drink Tuesday night?” say “Lets get a drink Tuesday night.” If you know the logistics you can even add the time and place. “Let’s get a drink Tuesday night–Geno’s Winebar at 7.” Like this:
That said, it’s natural to ask questions at some point, which is why I say it’s generally good to avoid them…but that doesn’t mean they’re never appropriate. This is especially true if you ask a questions that are teasing or imply a sexual innuendo.
#4: Don’t talk about sex over text until you’ve had it, or SHE brings it up.
Some guys may disagree with this, but for the most part, you shouldn’t bring up sex over text with a girl until you’ve banged. The reason is pretty simple: by bringing up sex, you’re implying that you expect sex to happen. Chicks hate that, because as the old saying goes, it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.
This is especially true for a girl you’ve just met leading to the first date, because while she may be open to sex happening, most chicks go into a first date telling themselves that they’re not going to have sex. This is true up to the point where clothes start coming off and P goes in V, hence the well known phenomenon of LMR and what so many girls say when you pull: “OK, I’ll come over, but we’re NOT having sex tonight.”
Reality: yes, we are…you just don’t want to admit that..yet.
Think of explicit sex talk with chicks over text like Fight Club. You don’t talk about it until you realize you’re both members–and membership in her club typically doesn’t start until you’ve fucked her or at least fooled around.
Now, that being said, you can and should spike her interest and sexualize the conversation, without being explicit. Think innuendo–like accusing her of being naughty, a bad girl, liking it rough, needing a spanking, etc.
#5: Follow Chateau Heartiste’s 2/3s rule.
Very simple and most guys should know this, but the length and frequency of your texts compared to hers should be about 2/3s. TL;DR–if you’re texting her more than she’s texting you, it comes across as needy and lacking abundance.
#6: Emojis–the good, the bad, and the simpy.
There are others of course, in every category, but hopefully you get the point. And of course there are exceptions where bad or even simpy emojis might make sense. But generally, anything that displays manliness, fun, humor, sexual desire, strength, breaking rules, etc. is good; anything that displays weakness, sadness, stress, lack of control, being serious, etc. is bad; anything that uses heart or chick emoji is simp level stupidity.
I think guys would be well advised to think of emojis like having an IG–you should probably use them (have one) sometimes because it would be weird not to, but sparingly. Because emojis, like social media, are mainly for girls–a point Turk has made.
#7: Vary your response times–short bursts and long waits.
This is a bit of a tough one that cuts both ways.
Because on the one hand, if a chick just texted, you’ve officially got her attention and she’s more likely to text you back for that reason alone. Remember, chicks are literally addicted to attention–so if you don’t give her enough and you’re always one and done, you may lose her attention and that’s not ultimately good.
On the other hand, you don’t want to be texting back and forth, back and forth, back and forth to the point where she gets bored or you lose her attention, because in her mind it lowers your value.
The key is to balance: be there for a bit, then be gone.
#8: GIFs and Memes
These are fantastic, but you don’t want to overuse them or you look like a clown. Like with emojis, it would be weird to never use GIFs or memes, because they’re a part of texting culture, but if you’re overusing them it can make it look like you’re immature or have nothing of substance to say.
And again, like with emojis, you want to express strength, control, sexiness, and humor–never sadness, anger, lack of control, or feminine qualities.
#9: Don’t feel you have to match her investment.
Sometimes if a girl is into you she’ll text something very lovey and sweet–which is great. Like, she’s a girl: that’s what she’s supposed to do.
But not you. You’re a man.
One of my students brought this up this past weekend on a coaching call–he says, “do you remember what Han Solo says to Princess Leia when she says she loves him?” and without skipping a beat I know the answer: “I know.” My student goes on to tell me that Harrison Ford ad-libbed that line, which is even more badass, but the point is, just because she’s expressing emotion or attachment doesn’t mean you should.
Note here that while I’m returning her desire, it’s with very little effort or investment…I also didn’t reply for a few hours. And to be honest, my text would have been better had it been without the exclamation point.
# 10: VMs, Video calls, and Photo Pings.
Yes, yes, and yes. Sure, this isn’t technically texting, but it’s closely related, and I know a lot of guys who are using these methods of communication effectively.
Why? Simple reason: all of the above display confidence. They also allow you to show off a bit, whether your looks, voice, and/or personality. Again, like with emojis and GIFs, you don’t want to overdo this, but these are especially useful in getting a girl to come out, engage, or come to a decision.
Note: NEVER send a photo you wouldn’t post on a dating profile. Likewise, if you have a high, feminine voice, avoid VMs and video calls (also, figure that out).
Also, keep the VMs short: one minute tops. Same with video calls–these shouldn’t be much more than half an hour at most. It’s easy to make excuses why you have to go, and it’s better to appear busy than to look like the guy who has nothing going on.
Well, gents, I believe that’s it. As I said, Mr. V did an amazing job with his guide, so take a look at that which is linked to at the beginning of the article. Additionally, if you have questions, feel free to DM me on Twitter.
Also, I’ve officially started my teaching career in terms of game, cold approach, and dating. If you want help, DM me on twitter or email me so we can get in touch and find a good way to help you level up your game. Keep in mind, I use the term teaching intentionally. I’m not a coach–I’m a teacher. My job is to help my students advance in skills and knowledge. I believe that distinction is extremely important. And as I believe my students so far will testify, I’m extremely effective. YOU WILL GET BETTER if you hire me. I have experience in education and I’m confident I can help you get better with women, in any number of ways.
Last point: if you like what I do here, please consider becoming a donor on Patreon. Even a buck a month is something, so if you enjoy reading the blog, please contribute if it’s something you can do. Ultimately, I’d love to make enough money through teaching and Patreon to quit my day job which would mean I could post more stuff, more often–and the more guys donate on Patreon, the more I’ll be incentivized to post content like the above. Please understand, this isn’t a money grab on my part–it’s simply the fact that as long as I have to work a regular job for a living, I can only focus so much of my time and energy on writing stuff like this. Do what you can, and if you can’t or don’t care to, thanks for reading anyway.
And hey guys…I think we’re getting there–to a time when it’s good to be a player. Best luck and Godspeed. Get laid motherfuckers.