Why men cheat: a primer for the ladies.

Posted by

The simplest reason men cheat is that they can. 

Of course, there’s more nuance to it than that, but the point to remember here ladies, is that if he can’t cheat, it’s not an issue–even if part of him wants to. And trust me, some part of every man wants to…it’s just part of our DNA (yours too, so let’s not get fussy about it). So the first thing to think about here is what’s the difference between a man who can cheat, and a man who can’t?

The first precondition to a man cheating is that he has to have access to women, which typically means he is in situations on a regular or daily basis where he’s around women–not just one or two–but a lot of them.

Because most women aren’t going to make themselves available to a coupled or married man for fairly obvious reasons: they’re coupled or married themselves, the social consequences are too high, or most likely they don’t find him attractive.*

Now, we all know there are some home-wrecking bitches out there, but I’d argue it’s the exception not the rule, which means that a given man has to be around enough women, and probably enough different women, over an extended period of time, before he’s going to come across one of them.

Some scenarios where this might be the case:

  • He works with a large number of women or at a particularly large company with a social culture (Nike comes to mind–those “Just Do It” hipsters love their booze and parties).
  • He goes out regularly with his friends and leaves you at home. 
  • You’re in a large, vibrant social circle with lots of parties, events, etc.

If none of these are in play, he’s probably not going to cheat–because he can’t.

Thinking back to when I was married, this was exactly the case. Not that I was looking to cheat on my wife. I had no such intentions. But even if I had wanted to, how? There were basically zero women where I worked who were either attractive or not married, and we didn’t have much interaction as it was as a function of the job. I didn’t go out with my friends much–at least not alone–and while we had a fairly vibrant social circle, almost everyone was coupled and a lot of it were things like family dinners, or parties with a mix of family and friends.

The second point, to stay with my experience, is that to be quite honest, I was not a highly desirable man. I wasn’t in great shape, I wasn’t super confident or flirtatious with women (was way too nice and deferential), and though I had a good job and did OK, I didn’t make next level money. The only thing attractive about me was that I was tall and married (multiple studies have found women find men in relationships more attractive than single men, so let’s just drop the pretense, shall we ladies). Long story short, cheating is not why my marriage ended.

The flip side here is that if the first precondition to a man cheating is that he has to have access to women, the second precondition is that he has to be highly desirable–read: very attractive, strong game, and/or making a lot of money. You take say, a Brad Pitt type, and put him in an office where there are more than 10 women working, and chances are, at least one of them is going to make herself available to him.

What’s funny is that as a man, we notice men mate-guarding women all the time: looking at other men suspiciously, hands all over her, constantly worried she’s flirting too much with the waiters at restaurants, that sort of thing.

But women who are dating super attractive men do exactly the same thing, because they KNOW that some number of women are going to make a pass at him–which is why they’re kissing him all the time in public, being super sexual, doing nice things for him, etc…ahhhh, to be Chaddicus Rex, slayer of pussy…But I digress, so let’s get back on track.

The third precondition to a man cheating, perhaps unsurprisingly, is that he’s not getting regular sex from his wife or girlfriend. I’ll define this as at least twice a week–and yes, blowjobs count if he comes. If that sounds like a lot, OK, but understand it’s actually far less than most men want.

Now the lack of sex may be his fault, or it may be yours, but it really doesn’t matter. The sexual desire is still there, even if he’s not expressing it in your relationship, so if it’s not being sated, there’s a much greater chance he acts on any opportunities that come his way, OR indeed, seeks out such opportunities. I suppose the elephant in the room here are dating apps and Sugar Daddy sites, like Seeking Arrangement. Precondition number one is that he has to have access to women, but the truth is that these days, with the above technology, he does…if he wants.

Now this comes at a risk of course, because once you put photos on the internet, anyone might see them and then the house of cards all comes crashing down. But, if precondition three is in place–that is, you’re not having regular sex–he may decide to satisfy the first precondition himself.

Luckily ladies, unless he’s exceptionally attractive, he’s probably not going to do great on Tinder. As I’ve noted on multiple occasions, dating apps aren’t great for guys for reasons I’m not going to get into here–follow the link if you’re curious–but the point is that the apps aren’t nearly as viable for the husband who wants to cheat when compared with the wife. For her, she can get on there and probably find a Chad pretty quick. The husband, not so much.

This is why, for the most part, men in relationships–especially married men–tend to turn to Sugar Daddy sites if they’re looking to cheat. Now, as this requires a fair amount of money in most cases, it’s only possible if he makes really good money AND is able to hide some portion of it, lest he gets caught. I can’t think of anything that would piss a woman off more than to find out her husband has been draining their retirement fund to fuck Thotiana (isn’t that what Tomi called her?) every Tuesday.

The last point I’ll make on why men cheat goes back to the original point, which is that it mostly happens if they can. What women seem to have a hard time understanding–because for most even semi-attractive women, sex is easy to get–is that as a man, it is VERY DIFFICULT to turn down sex when a woman offers it. This is true even if you really love and care about your wife or girlfriend. It’s just how we’re wired: born to try to impregnate as many women as possible.

So be aware of the three preconditions:

  1. Does he have regular access to a large number of women?
  2. Is he a highly desirable man (and you may think he’s super hunky, but the question really, is do other women share that opinion)?
  3. Are you not having regular sex in your relationship?

If one of those preconditions is in place, it could happen, but it’s unlikely.

If two of those preconditions are in place, I’d say it’s 50/50. Might happen, might not.

If three of those preconditions are in place, it’s almost guaranteed, unless he’s an absolute fucking saint.

Now, the takeaway here is that only one of these is in your control my lovelies. So fuck him good, fuck him often, and for goodness’ sake, throw in the occasional hummer. A blowjob from your long time girlfriend or wife every once in awhile goes a long way toward making for a happy relationship.

*Men, including myself, sometimes note that women don’t always age so well, but the truth is most men don’t either, and for the same reasons: bad diet, lack of exercise, and other unhealthy habits.

2 comments

  1. Lots of married men get “duty sex” not “desire sex” (assuming they get regular sex). In general, a man wants to have sex with a woman who sexually desires him. This can be seen in male-oriented pornography, the overwhelming majority of which involves the woman really, genuninely desiring the guy (whether it’s faked or not). So men who are not getting sex or are getting begrudging “duty sex” will often cheat. There is an emotional connection for men too – the need to be desired. If he can’t get that connection with the wife, he will sometimes seek it out with other women – and women like “taken” men and will often be happy to oblige him.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Missing point here, or one that isn’t emphasized, the best way for a married guy to cheat is with a married woman.

    When you were married, that opportunity may have been open to you. Probably get started a lot of the time with confessions like, “our sex life isn’t that good” “we don’t have enough sex any more” “I need more,” any expression of dissatisfaction.

    It will depend on the guy’s overall level of fitness, masculinity, etc., but that is probably the most common source of affairs.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to The Red Quest Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s