Fireside chat with RPD: no one can save you but yourself.

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Telling someone their an asshole or an autist isn’t a great way to make friends I suppose–as one of my guys Lord Connery recently said: you don’t hold back, you don’t pull punches.

#facts

But quite honestly guys, I don’t know how else to say it. And understand, just like when I told Lord Connery that to do well on dating apps he’d need to shed some pounds (same is true for me and I told him so right then and there), I’ve been there too.

Sometimes I freeze up during day game and weasel on a chick like a classic autist.

And if you’ve been on Twitter you’ve seen me be an asshole, which comes out with women from time to time as well (although: if you keep moments of assholery to minimum, it can sometimes work in your favor).

But I have to say, it’s frustrating to see so many people struggle and yet not take any meaningful action to solve their problems. Our society has gotten to a place where many if not most people seem to think that complaining about a problem will solve it, and are unwilling to take even the most basic steps to help themselves–to simply do the obvious.

Like, I look at my clients and guys in our community striving to change themselves for the better, and then I look at our broader culture, and it’s infuriating.

In point of fact: 95% of most people’s problems could be solved by spending significantly less time on social media and their cell phone, eating healthy food, and getting lean and fit–aka healthy. Data from dating apps shows that users want to date people who are 25% more attractive than themselves, and I guarantee almost all of that is made up by people who are overweight wanting to date people who are fit.

The other problem most people have is they either don’t have close friends or family and/or a vibrant social circle OR they do, but it doesn’t matter because they spend all day staring at their phone and their social skills have atrophied to the point where talking to someone they don’t know well feels genuinely scary.

To be blunt: a lot of people can’t socialize anymore like normal humans–especially young people.

And to be fair, it’s at least partially not your fault. Our society is heavy on consumption, especially when it comes to alcohol and gluttonous foods, and it’s pretty clear that smart phones make people dumber and social media does more to alienate and radicalize folks than anything else. Yet, all of the above is ubiquitous.

But here’s the deal guys, as Charles Bukowski once wrote: no one can save you but yourself.

No one is coming to the rescue. No higher power is looking out for you (I believe in God–but mostly that He gave us a brain and four limbs so we could do the work ourselves). Destiny is the name of a stripper and a theme in Star Wars, not a life strategy. Complaining about a problem will not make it go away. It might be unfair–hell, it probably is–but no one gives a shit. Everyone has their own problems, and most people can’t even solve their own let alone help you with yours.

And every single day I see so many unforced errors…I initially had a long list of specific examples here, but a thought experiment is more useful: Think about who YOU want to date, or the type of person or parent or leader you admire. Now let me guess:

  • This person is physically fit, not crazy–especially with regard to being extreme on either end of the political spectrum–and isn’t a narcissist, sociopath, or addicted to alcohol or drugs.
  • They read interesting books, are pleasant, and capable of meaningful conversations.
  • They probably have some special talents and skills, especially as it relates to things like cooking, cool outdoor hobbies, etc.
  • They like having sex, aren’t constantly posting on social media, and are generally kind and pleasant to be around.
  • If it’s a woman, she’s feminine; man, masculine.

I could go on, but hopefully it makes sense that if you want to date a person like this, you should strive to be like this yourself…right?

Here are some basic guidelines for living the good life:

  1. Stay fit–under 15% body fat. I’ll be honest, I need to get back there myself.
  2. Embody the qualities people are attracted to in the opposite sex. Men: be strong, smart, playfully dominant, successful in your career and passions, and maintain a self-amused, powerful frame. Women: be sweet, caring, sensual, playfully submissive, successful in your career OR passions, and have fun, be fun–you’re at your best when you are sexy and joyous.
  3. Read books; like wine or beer or liquor, choose the stuff that appeals to you, whether it’s philosophy or romance.
  4. Work hard at your job or in school, but not so hard that you don’t have fun–remember, the point of both is to ensure you can live an enjoyable, meaningful life…if your work or school is getting in the way of that, it’s time to reconsider what you’re doing.
  5. Have a project or a mission: something you are working on, whether learning a valuable or difficult skill, or creating art or meaningful content. Strive to be better.

Along these lines, I’ve lately been reading Dr. Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life–it’s an excellent book, and the rules are great: rational, cogent, and fitting with the human spirit and experience. The final point I’ll make, however, is that in life, it’s less important to follow a certain set of rules than it is to have some system or discipline for whatever way you’re living. If you’re paying attention to what you’re doing and have a way or tracking or measuring your progress, most likely you’ll be OK.

Another book I’ve been reading is The Slight Edge, which is about getting just a little bit better over time, day by day. That’s another great idea to incorporate: can you get just a little bit better? Can each day be an improvement on the last? If so, you’re probably going to end up where you want to be.

In this light, it’s also important to recognize if you need help. Many people, without some sort of mentor, guide, or teacher, will really struggle to make progress, which is one of the reasons I’m happy to offer teaching and coaching for guys who want to get better with women, and also, in life. Hit me up if you want to fast track the process.

Otherwise, let’s go! The COVID scare is ending guys–and we will once again be entering a time when I can say, truly, in the word of the wise RedQuest, that there’s never been a better time to be a player.

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