Becoming the truly high value guy: employing social circle, parties, dinners, etc.

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Redquest has written a fair amount about parties and social circle, something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit lately.

I want to be very clear: despite the high levels of flaking and workload involved in the process, developing the ability to talk to girls IRL (aka cold approach, day game, night game, etc.) is a must for any guy who wants to be a true player.

  1. Once competent, you have abundance anywhere there are women–and I mean literally anywhere: at a campground, on the golf course, at a concert, at the grocery store, in the mall, books stores, retail, or on the streets wherever you happen to live. As long as you’re not living somewhere truly rural, you’ll have chances to talk to beautiful girls on a day to day basis, an opportunity 99.9% of guys will NEVER take advantage of.
  2. Cold approach gives guys access to the hottest, most desirable cohort of women between 18-27, many of whom are either not on the apps or will never swipe on your profile. This is especially true as you get older, because the algorithms often won’t show your profile to these women–but that doesn’t mean they’re not interested. It simply means that your best shot is by talking to them in person when the opportunity arises.
  3. Being able to approach, converse, and close women IRL levels the player up in every way possible. You learn freedom from outcome, process over results, how to pass shit tests, how to flirt and drive her attraction, etc. It is simply the best, most direct way I know of for guys to get better with girls, FAST.

In other words, don’t take what I’m about to say below as me being down on cold approach. Because I’m not. I will continue talking to girls IRL, and I’ll continue teaching my clients to do so, because the fact of the matter is that it’s a great way to meet women–maybe the best way–and any guy who can’t do it is limited to dating apps.

However, there are a lot of gaps in how we conceive of game, and what it means to be a high value player. We often talk about ourselves as being high value men, but let me challenge that assumption: are you, truly, a high value guy?

Before you say yes, ask yourself: what are you offering the girl, other than dick? How are you making her life better, other than taking her on a date and fucking her? What can you show or teach her? How can you lead her or help her? What kinds of experiences–particularly peak experiences–can you introduce into her life?

Because the fact is, if your only value is that you can take her out for drinks and then fuck her, you’re not rare or particularly high value. Fuck, on the dating apps you’re a dime a dozen, and that’s true even if your super fit and muscular (another good reason to learn cold approach, because now you’re in a category of one, not hundreds or thousands). She’s got options guys, and we need to stop deluding ourselves into thinking otherwise.

So the question is: what else you got?

Building a strong social circle and centering your life on fun and experience.

If I answer the above questions honestly, I have to admit I fall short in some areas. There’s a lot I can teach the women I’m with, and I’m certainly good at leading, providing a dominant frame, and generally making her life better–doing things like showing girls around the city, taking them camping or hiking, playing tennis, cooking together, etc.

But as of now, organizing groups, parties, dinners, and other similar experiences are simply not on the table: almost all my friends are married and/or have kids, and the few single guys I know, including the news wings I’ve met recently, aren’t doing any of that stuff either. Everything is atomized and individual; so far, we’ve ignored our collective power as a group.

Consider a classic example: in The Game, by Neil Strauss–basically the bible of the pick-up world–they all lived in a cool house and invited girls over to party. Like, that was the go to play: hey, I live in a huge mansion where we party and have people over all the time, want to come hang out? Sure, those guys were all good at gaming hot chicks, but a big reason they got laid to the extent they did is that they could bring those girls back to the mansion they were living in, complete with hot tub, drugs, booze, and mayhem. They were providing a fun and novel, if not a peak, experience.

Put yourself in the shoes of a young woman for a second–what sounds more fun and exciting: going back to a guy’s apartment where it’s just the two of you and there’s basically only one thing that can happen? OR going to a house party, rooftop, or after-party where there are lots of people and other interesting things happening? If we’re honest, it’s the latter. Lots of guys are capable of trying to fuck her, but very few can provide next level experiences.

This was all predicated on a long conversation with RedQuest about cultivating an attractive lifestyle–here’s some of what he says:

“Look, what do people want? To have a great life. What does that mean? For girls, it really means husband + children, but many/most girls are too dysfunctional or inept to understand that, particularly early in their lives (and they often wait until it’s too late to get those things effectively). But, as a secondary/fallback position, it means peak experiences. What are those? A mix of “high” or novel experiences, and some bonding or “low” or “quiet” experiences. The “high” experiences are novel stimulation, new ideas, feelings, experiences, etc. That’s why so many girls are obsessed with “travel” thinking travel will generate those things for them (usually it doesn’t, not really, because their problems are within them, not exterior to them). A guy who can probe into what she’s like now, and what her ideal life would look like, is rare. Psychedelics are powerful because, done properly, they can generate those top experiences. But those top experiences are also often relational: they are the girl having fulfilling experiences and bonds with people she likes and admires. Most girls can’t really properly articulate any of this, because they are too dumb and self-absorbed.

“What is the antithesis of a great life, but very available? TV. Instagram. Video games. These things are the junk food of human experience: not very good, but simultaneously very easy and available, and most girls aren’t able to move from the easy to the good. A top guy can facilitate that move. Most guys can’t facilitate that move. One problem with ‘game’ as such is that game is often only a little bit about what the guy says, and a lot about the experiences he facilitates and the feelings he makes the girl feel. If she feels like this is a guy who “gets” her, who is socially deft and networked, who is able to make things happen, she will feel good and want to fuck him. If the guy doesn’t elicit those feelings, the girl will drift off, or maybe wait and seek more input.

“Making these ideas part of a guy’s core outlook and world is challenging. And most guys are, if we’re being honest, kind of lame, and that lameness is expressed via video games, porn, watching sports (living vicariously through others), that sort of thing. Guys who are fulfilled are living out a world of action, learning, and doing, rather than partaking in the passive world of consumption. Most women yearn to be active but cannot organize themselves sufficiently to overcome passivity. The player, if he is good, internalizes all these ideas and turns them into execution.”

So the question is: what does this look like?

It depends, but it could really be anything, and ideally involves things YOU are interested in. For example, maybe you have a group of friends who like to camp and hike? Or maybe you don’t, but that’s what you want to do so you find a way to meet the kind of people who do–now you can invite girls to come with you, or at the very least show them pictures from your latest trip.

It could be getting a group of guys together and buying a ski boat, then going out on the local lakes and rivers whenever it’s hot out. Too spendy? No worries. Go buy two stand up paddleboards (one for you, one for girls) and find other people who like to do that. If you’re into wine, organize tasting parties at your place, or go to local vineyards. Same with beer–go to breweries and tap houses. Hold blind tastings. You can organize social groups around almost any shared activity: go to some college football games (or any sporting event for that matter) and get a group to tailgate. If you like running, organize a group run, or if you want to torture yourself, get some of your friends to do a Spartan Race with you. One of the reasons people like Cross-Fit is that you get to know and develop relationships with the people you work out with.

Probably the simplest way to do this is to throw parties and/or have people over for dinners and barbecues. Tough if you live in a one bedroom or studio, but many apartment complexes have areas you can reserve for these kinds of things, and if that’s not an option, why not rent a bigger AirBnb for a night with some friends and throw a bigger event?

Does most of what I’m talking about cost money? Yes. But there are ways to go about this that won’t break the bank. If you’re so poor that none of this seems plausible, in the short term you’re better off figuring out how to make more money than you are worrying about getting laid–also, hate to break it to you, but if this is the case, you’re NOT a high value guy. Doesn’t mean you can’t be eventually, but that means getting to a place where you can afford some of this stuff. You don’t need to be wildly rich, but if you’re living at home and can’t afford a car, solve that problem first.

Guys should still be cold approaching and on dating apps to source girls, but now you can invite them to parties, go stand up paddle-boarding, come to a wine tasting, etc. And again, even on a conventional date, you now have a part of your life you can show her that INDICATES REAL VALUE. She sees that she could be a part of your fun, active life, and that’s exactly the kind of thing that’s going to lead a girl to want to fuck and/or stick around after.

It’s also, by the way, something to add into the actual cold approach itself (also on you OLD bio): talking about the fact you’ve got a cool camping trip coming up, or that you and your friends are going to tailgate at the big game Sunday, or have a bar crawl you’ve organized where everyone’s wearing 80s clothes (silly example, but also no reason it can’t work). You’re also inevitably going to end up with a lot more cool pictures you can post on your OLD profile, or show a girl when you’re cold approaching or on a date.

Anyone who’s done cold approach knows that A TON of numbers you get from day or night game are going to flake–same with OLD–but the question is why?

In some cases it’s probable the whole thing is too far outside her reference experience and she’s just going to bail no matter what–or if it’s OLD, because she’s got 800 other offers, some of which appear better. But in other cases, as I’ve said previously, you’re just a random ass guy on the street–sure, the approach was cool and she liked you in the moment, but ultimately you didn’t demonstrate enough VALUE for her to respond to the ping. So how do you demonstrate that value? By talking about the cool things you do, the fun activities you have planned, the big party or concert or barbecue or camping trip that’s coming up next.

Will a lot of girls still flake? Yes, because that’s what modern women do (the lack of agency and general passivity of women today is somewhat galling, but that’s not something we can snap our fingers and change, so there’s no reason to bitch about it–at least I’m not going to in this post). But if you can reduce the flake rate by even 10%, we’re talking a MASSIVE difference in outcomes in the long run. Plus, the long term goal is to have what RedQuest calls a bench: the numbers of 10-15 girls you know who might come to a party or dinner or date on a whim–some of them from cold approach, some from OLD, some from social circle. Indeed, one of the things I’m going to start doing with flaky numbers is putting them on a party list; anytime I have a party, or someone I know has a party, or a group of us goes out for night game, I’m going to ping that entire list and I’m going to have my wings start doing the same. If some of them show up, great, but the ones who don’t come will see, over time, that I’m a high value guy who has fun/novel/peak experiences, and eventually that should pay dividends.

The point of all of this is to streamline what we’re doing as players. Can you go out and have success with pure cold approach day game–the sigma lone wolf–where it’s just you and the girl and that’s it? Absolutely. And if that’s the sort of lifestyle you want, by all means, do it.

But I find that as I get deeper into this lifestyle, I want to increase my efficiency: I want to spend less time sourcing women and more time having adventures and sex with them. And the only way to do that is to develop a stronger, more vibrant social circle–to cultivate a lifestyle that’s attractive and brings people in of its own accord.

Take hiking, something almost anyone living anywhere can do: you’re bound to meet people on the trail. They’re likely to be fit and cool–at least more likely than the average person. And this is true of any activity: paddle-boarding, skiing/snowboarding, tennis, camping, boating, cycling, going to festivals and concerts, etc. You’ll meet people as you do this stuff, making friends and building connections. Plus, if you’re in a group, especially a mixed group, you already have social proof with the girls you meet or invite to come with. Chances are they have friends who like this stuff, and before long, you get into a situation where you’re meeting new and interesting people simply by doing stuff you already like, or passively through your social circle bringing more people in the fold.

Note: this is not build it and they will come. This is not: get rich and it will solve all your problems. Because it won’t. Getting jacked and rich is great, but without Game, it’s only going to get you so far. Likewise, building a strong social circle doesn’t mean you can just stop day gaming or sourcing girls through dating apps.

However, why not USE that powerful ability to cold approach and have positive social interactions to build an ecosystem around you that provides opportunities to meet new and interesting people? Why not become that guy who can offer fun/peak experiences to the women he meets? Why not make this easier?


  1. “And the only way to do that is to develop a stronger, more vibrant social circle–to cultivate a lifestyle that’s attractive and brings people in of its own accord”

    So many valid points. The majority of my close friends are married with families. I often see them in one-off situations, shooting pool, hiking, going for dinners. The social group I belonged to who bar-hopped every weekend (early 30s, vs. late 30s, early 40s) were a lot of fun, and there was a lot of guy drama (backstabbing, fights, etc) and silly amounts of blow infused after-parties. Again, LOTS of fun (since I wasn’t part of the drama) but I found that it derailed me from my work and mission.

    As a result, I travel a lot on my own and have lots of great stories and experiences.

    Based on what you’ve written above, it sounds like my focus for the next year in the post-apocalypse is to have more get togethers at my place based around food and drink – both things I love and know. Thanks again for reinforcing that I need to continually build a social circle rather than be content with my own company.


  2. These are all very valid points and yet another healthy angle on “attractive” vs “boring” and competent vs bluepill sleepers.

    Quality post, rpd

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Chicks LOVE to evaluate a guy’s social world (it isn’t necessary or sufficient… but a good social world can help). Part of this is for evolutionary reasons: being the headman’s main bitch has, in the course of human evolution, been a great way to make sure a woman’s kids survive and thrive.

    But the chick is also evaluating you, when she sees your friends. Are they cool? Interesting? Is your relationship with your friends for real? Few people today have real friendships, but transient bullshit Instagram performative “friendships” are common. And the same is true in reverse… if a girl has a bunch of dipshit friends, she’s probably a dipshit. Are her friends put together themselves? Are they party sluts, or relationship girls? If a girl claims to want a relationship and hangs with a bunch of party sluts, even if you think you’re monogamous with her, you’re not. If a girl claims to be a party slut and is friends with a bunch of sedate girls with boyfriends, you’re going to get hit with the “when are we going to be official?” question soon.

    Nothing gets evaluated in isolation, including a man. If a guy has no real friends, that’s information too, and it’s not good information. Maybe he’s a lone genius, probably he’s a social retard.


  4. Great post. As always, the perfect mix of inspiration and chastising for not taking action. FWIW, I DID take action on my plans to generate more “reasons” to talk to women this weekend. Although I didn’t do the make out competition. Wasn’t feeling like that made as much sense as I remembered we were in a pandemic still…

    Liked by 2 people

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