Is it all about the notch?

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Last month I tried Seeking Arrangements, an app for “Sugar Daddy/Baby” relationships—but I tried to use it like a normal dating app (“Salt Daddy” game, as some call it). Apparently, a few guys think this strategy and venue is a secret, but, if it is, you haven’t been paying attention; I believe Steve Jabba was banging on about Seeking Arrangements without payment during peak COVID, and others have discussed it too.

I’ll write a separate field report about some experiences on Seeking Arrangements, but the TL;DR is what you’d expect: most chicks on Seeking want money, either explicitly in a pay-per-meet arrangement or in the form of an “allowance.” For me, the conversion rate and results aren’t much better than OLD, and the worst aspect is that the frame is one of weakness: she’s dating you because she thinks you’re rich and you have no other way of getting chicks, so you have to offer money for sex and female companionship. Can Salt Daddy game be done? Sure, and I did manage to get a notch, but I can’t recommend it. The average guy is much better off learning cold approach and using traditional dating apps to develop leads.

But it’s those terms we use: “notch” and “leads,” I want to write about here.

Last weekend, I got flaked on by a girl from SA after a very promising first date (I’ll link the twitter post I did here), and had a mini meltdown in a private Telegram chat. One guy—XBTUSD, who’s written some fantastic guest posts on Red Quest—sent me a revelatory and thoughtful VM, saying the whole concept of notches, the “+1s” and such we post on Twitter and blogs, is a toxic way to think about game—and women. As he said to me in the VM, “I don’t care about the color of pills.”

(This one)

(Not these two)

“The Red Pill” is useful as a shorthand term to describe an understanding of the world that strips away the lies, misconceptions, and framing of modern society we imbibe over our entire lives, from mainstream media, tradcons, feminists, and the dreaded SJWs, about how women think and behave—namely, that they are ethical when it comes to relationships, take equal responsibility and agency for life decisions and outcomes, and are capable of love for men in the same way that men are capable of love for women. And that their time preferences are consistent…a woman might say she’s looking for a husband long-term, but if a bad boy happens by on a Friday night, she might forget about her eternal, unchanging goal. The next morning, she’ll tell herself she “made a mistake,” but she’ll also ask herself, “Can I tame the bad boy?” What she said to her girlfriends the week before about only sleeping with a guy who is a serious marriage prospect? She meant that at the time, and when she met the hot guy, she didn’t mean it. 

The red pill teaches that operating from a traditional or feminist set of beliefs and behaviors leads to disastrous results for men: frustration in dating, being taken advantage of emotionally and financially, failed relationships, divorce—which can include losing custody of children and half of one’s assets, or what some call being “zeroed out.”

Game, pick up, and seduction have become intertwined with the red pill—indeed, they may be the origins of the philosophy, because when a man meets, seduces, and sleeps with enough women, the truth of how sex and attraction works is self evident: the romantic notion of love is not a part of the female operating system. Not that a woman can’t love a man, but that love is always highly conditional on him being the sort of man who is desirable. If he’s not, she’ll often cheat on or leave him, no matter how well he treats her or noble his intentions.

But PUA (and online dating) also leads to relationships and sex being gamified. It’s about notch counts, ego, how little time and money we can spend before getting to sex and farming (OLD/social media) or hunting for leads (cold approach/social circle). We talk about women as if their only use to us is sex, and to garner praise and accolades from other men—I’ve done this as much as anyone; I mean hell, I’m red pill dad PUA, right? I’ve mostly written about women as a conquest, a goal to be scored, as part of a competition; rarely have I thought of my results in competition with other players—mostly myself—but I can understand that this is probably how it appears, if only implicitly.

Measuring ourselves by our results—did you get the lay, the +1, or not—leads to a binary measure of success. If it’s not a +1, it’s an utter failure, a 0 or -1—and then we talk about how things could have gone better or different with only one thing in mind: did you put your dick in her or not?

Given the flaky, inconsistent nature of women, that’s a risky metric to measure oneself by—you’re allowing someone else (a young woman) to decide your worth as a human, as a man.  Am I less of a man because some chick flaked on me? Am I less worthy in some fundamental way? 

Of course not. I’m the same person I was: a good father and son, a kind and generous friend, a compassionate but demanding coach, a writer and thinker, (RedQuest adds: a modern Aristotle or Christ, a thinker so challenging to contemporary mores that the larger society wishes to put me to death…not sure I’d go that far, but I’m sure a lot of people would rather I didn’t exist, so in some sense it’s true). And for the girls I am with, a generous, fun, passionate lover, a leader into the spiritual and psychedelic realms. That I did or did not fuck a chick doesn’t have strong bearing on my self worth, or worth to the community—and that’s true for any man.

Now, of course, we still want to have sex with beautiful women. We want the physical joy as well as the emotional connection of female companionship. So it’s well worth figuring out how to cultivate those relationships and results in our lives. MGTOWs “go their own way” and choose (supposedly choose, anyway) not to make women part of their lives. There’s something intensely sad about that: humans are not just mathematical creatures, we’re also social creatures—the most social—we need each other, including sexual relationships. Without social relationships, calculus as an idea wouldn’t have spread, and we’d not be on the verge of colonizing space. One of the dangerous ideas in modern culture is the idea that we can exist as individual atoms or entities, without connecting to or relying on each other, a notion that seems especially prevalent in modern women, many of whom view men in the same way they do a handbag—an accessory that can be casually discarded and/or upgraded when her mood or fashion change.

But we’ve done the same: the fundamental implication in the Game/RP community is that women are only as good as their sexual value, and again, that value is binary–did you fuck her or not? It’s all about the notch. Nothing else matters.

This morning, after listening to my friend’s VM, I realized that that’s fucking sad. Women are beautiful, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. They are not just a pair of legs with tits and a vagina. Not always, at least. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that one of my most viral tweets said that pretty explicitly.

Women can also be incredibly cruel, and dating in the modern age is difficult. From rejection to flakes, ghosting, manipulation, the bullshit we endure as men is toxic, or, at the risk of sounding like a sap: heartbreaking. And that’s for those of us who are successful! I’ve slept with a huge number of women since getting into this, and I know a lot of other far more accomplished players who’ve had many more in less time. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be the average man, little better than an incel, with only occasional access to women (thanks to OLD)–often with ridiculous expectations of what he should bring to the table, ignoring her own responsibility to contribute value to the relationship. Maybe that man’s delusions get him through the day. It IS heartbreaking, which is why I’m so passionate about coaching and helping those guys who reach out.

I now understand, however, that the reason a lot of guys will never find me, the red pill community, or ever learn game, is that they rightly can’t or won’t view women as a score to register. They want relationships that are “meaningful”—girlfriends and wives, women with whom they can share life’s experiences. There’s a reason why the most hardcore players like Roosh and others burn out and become religious or weird: this game can fucking break you if you do it long enough. If the only way you measure yourself is by getting your dick wet, you realize at some point you’re no better than the chicks who rack up crazy notch counts on Tinder and develop that dead-eyed, thousand-cock stare. Because at some point it has to end—and then what? After all the pussy and glory and notches and +1s, what are you actually left with?

Don’t misunderstand me: I want to get my dick wet, and I want you guys, clients or readers, to get their dicks wet. I love sex. I love women. And I’ll continue to develop my skills as a player so that I can enjoy their companionship and of course, great and varied sexual experiences with beautiful women.

However, I want to reframe what I’m seeking and be more present to the abundance already in my life. I had a great date with the girl who flaked on me. As a 40 year old man, the fact I was making out with a gorgeous 22 year old is an accomplishment in itself—but again that’s not the way to look at it. No, it wasn’t an accomplishment. It was a great experience. And sure, it sucks that we didn’t get to have sex, because that too, I’m sure, would have been an amazing experience.

It didn’t happen. Alas. But that doesn’t mean I have to rack my brain and berate myself for what I did wrong or could have done differently. Did I learn something? Absolutely. Are there things I could have changed to affect a better outcome–one that led to more experiences with her? No doubt. And I’ll make those adjustments going forward. 

But rather than simply going for the notch and viewing that as the only meaningful outcome, I’m going to focus on the experiences I have with women going forward. Indeed, looking back, there are notches I should’ve turned down, because other than the sex, spending time with particular girls weren’t good experiences.

I encourage you guys to do the same. Focus on having peak experiences with women and the positive aspects of those experiences. One of the reasons I love day game is that I get to talk to lots of young, beautiful women! Despite most declining to further our connection, the experience is always enjoyable. Most women love the compliment, are flattered, and even in rejection, are gracious and kind.

Game has been amazing to me. I think about the peak experiences: my first execution of high-level game with an unbelievably shit testy stripper—when I knew I actually had learned and internalized all the things I’d studied. Most of that experience wasn’t great because she wasn’t a terribly worthwhile person. However, at the time, it was a true test of my skill and therefore a great experience—like spending many days and hours of frustration to finally catch a huge, elusive fish. Would I do that again, now? Probably not. We’re always at different parts of our journey, and the experiences we should want to have change. The younger the guy, the more he should pursue a diverse array of women and experiences. Maybe some guys do need to rack up a bunch of notches for a time, but is that really the only metric we should care about?

That nasty stripper makes me think about other experiences: pulling the hot lawyer from the bar straight to mine—one of the hottest women I’ve been with—and having mind-blowing sex with her that night and then coming back the next day to make me dinner before round two. I think about the role play I did with Yoga girl, her dressing up as a schoolgirl and me as the principal–some of the hottest sex I’ve had (and I’ve not even had sex on LSD, yet). I think about some of my same day lays, being amazed that that sort of thing could even happen, and my last one knowing it was going to. I think about the first time I had sex with Yoga girl, an epic 6 hour date that ended in my bed, and, within 20 minutes of her leaving, getting in my car to go have sex with Cam girl. I think about the Israeli and the risotto date, only to have her later reveal she was married! I think about the crazy sex I had with IG girl and then her going crazy. I think about Boise, a girl I slept with because I was the last dick standing—a Todd V prophesy come to life and actualized. The ghosts of players past stood on my shoulder, whispering into my ear, steering me into her bed. 

Yes, a lot of those experiences involved sex, or “notches” as it were. But some didn’t. One of the hottest girls I ever dated was a 23 or 24 year old I number closed on the beach. We went on a date and in the end she turned me down. But I kissed her, got to drink wine and have an amazing meal with a beautiful young woman I would have never thought I would have a chance with. Same with Princess, a 19 year old who came over, only to have me completely fuck up the second date

I’ll always think about Socks, my oneitis—the first-date lay, our high-school date (a walk, ice cream, bounce home) where she showed up wearing a tight white T-shirt and a neon pink bra, and the way everyone looked at her and I, jealousy oozing from their eyes. The back and forth, the many times she came back, only finally for her not to–and probably never again. 

And I’m excited to continue to grow as I move forward, taking it all in as I have new experiences. Maybe the next one I need to have is a steady girlfriend for a hot minute, but then, I also need to hit the non-mono sex club scene ala Red Quest and XBTUSD. Who knows what’s next? Sure, many girls will flake, and sometimes I’ll miss getting the notch for any number of reasons, some that will have to do with my game, but many that won’t. But instead of that binary focus, I’m going to stay in the present and enjoy the moment, appreciating her beauty and the experience. It strikes me that counterintuitively this will lead to better game on my part. 

As always, if you want help learning how to do this–how to have more great experiences with women, hit me up for coaching.

Otherwise, you know what I’m going to say: there’s never been a better time to be a player.

One comment

  1. Good post. Memories of the little details of great seductions (e.g. the pink bra) still seem so meaningful, years later, even as one’s priorities change. Memories of great moments like that really motivate me even though I’m not seeking those experiences any more. (We’re working on conceiving baby #1.)

    Looking forward to the Seeking Arrangement field report.

    Like

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