Aella—famed cam-girl, porn star, writer, intellectual, and blogger—recently made an interesting observation about her “Date Me” experiment on Twitter.
Many women who haven’t found love by their late 20s and beyond feel similarly: the “one” isn’t out there, or the guys they meet aren’t “exciting”, or they feel run-down and “pessimistic” about dating in general. “Where did all the good guys go?” they ask.
For a lot of women in this circumstance, maybe most, they need to look in the mirror: their expectations outstrip their value–they’re too picky. The reasons are simple:
- Dating apps heavily favor women, as there are far more male than female users, women are uber picky about who they swipe on, and women typically have far better photos. The result: women routinely match +2-3 of their SMV. But, as anyone with common sense knows, a male 7-8 isn’t going to wife up a 5-6 when he can fuck as many of them as he wants while offering no commitment.
- Like the apps, social media inflates a woman’s sense of her own beauty, because she only posts photos of herself that make her appear as if she’s +1-3 of her actual SMV and gets outsized attention and adulation as a result.
- Modern society teaches women, both implicitly and explicitly, that they should not take care of or nurture their man, whether that means cooking, cleaning, comforting, supporting, etc. Luckily, a woman’s instinct to do so when she truly adores a man tends to override that social programming–especially when young, as young women are more in tune with their feminine nature–but as they get older it often declines or goes away altogether, which eliminates an important cornerstone of the value a woman provides for a man.
A good formula for thinking about female value:
B (beauty) x Fs (frequency of sex) + C (Care/Nurturing) = Value
Note: if sex isn’t happening or a chick isn’t hot, her value on that side of the equation drops to near zero–after all, what good is a hot chick who never wants to fuck OR an unattractive chick who always wants to fuck? A: not much.
Also, if she’s offering little to no Care/Nurturing, her value drops to zero anytime there isn’t sex, even if only for a short period; it seems women underestimate how much that can mean. Fest Girl and I fuck all the time, and it’s usually super kinky, but the fact I’ll come home to a clean apartment if she’s stayed over, or get a back-rub if I’ve had a long day, or receive random texts telling me she loves me or is excited to see me–that’s worth more than most women seem to know, or understand.
What men want is pretty simple:
- Is she hot?
- Does she want to fuck me?
- Does she like some of the same stuff I do?
- Is she nice?
For most guys, if we can say yes to 3/4, she’s a keeper. There’s a reason there are only four floors in the Wife Store, unlike the Husband store.
To be fair to chicks, a man’s value is much harder to pin down, both because what women find attractive varies more widely than men (they are looking for different qualities in different proportions at different times), and because it’s the combination and interplay of those factors which make him attractive overall, qualities such as:
- Social Congruence
- Sexual Prowess
Women with outsized expectations don’t understand that most men–especially men with high value–won’t get into a long term relationship or marry unless it’s a clear win for him: as in, the woman’s overall value is close to as high as he can get.
But assuming the woman’s value is commensurate with the men she seeks (as in Aella’s case), a lot of women still can’t find love. Why?
Here’s my reply:
When women ration sex they destroy their value.
Aella didn’t make this mistake: she had sex with her chosen guy on the first night and presumably they continued to have sex throughout the “experiment.”
Unfortunately, a lot of women don’t follow her good example. I don’t mean necessarily having sex on the first night (although it can’t hurt; many couples with kids got started through “came over for sex, never moved out”), but withholding sex artificially for any period of time is a great way to lose high-value men. Like, unless she’s a virgin, exceptionally religious, or has some other moral or cultural reason not to have sex, suppressing her desire–and denying his–drops her value to zero in a very short period of time, regardless of her beauty.
Granted, that value could be somewhat buoyed if she adds to it by caring for and nurturing the man…but, again, most women–especially in Western culture–don’t do much of that anymore: the man plans every date, initiates most texts, moves everything forward, and she no longer cooks, cleans, nurtures, or supports, meaning her only real value to him is sex, which has no value if it isn’t given.
During a coaching session a few months ago, a client told me he’d “feel bad” for sleeping with a particular woman he wasn’t interested in having a relationship with, and I told him that each sex has a particular risk, and that’s the woman’s side of it: that she’ll give sex to a man who doesn’t stick around. But, just as a women is under no obligation to have sex with a man if she doesn’t want to, a man is under no obligation to give a woman a relationship after sex. Sucks if that’s what she wants, but there’s no way for her to know until it happens, unless what?
Unless she withholds it…unless sex becomes the bargaining chip for a relationship. And that’s what a lot of women try to do, mistakenly, because in so doing they destroy their value to the man, and, just as bad if not worse, install a doom loop in their own thinking: after all, how hot and “exciting” can he be if she hasn’t slept with him yet?
The man’s risk is that he spends a lot of time, energy, and (possibly) money on women who don’t give him sex—this is a classic beta male mistake in high school, sometimes college—but just as the woman can’t know if she’ll get a relationship after sex, the man can’t know if his efforts will be rewarded until the sex actually happens. Which I suspect is why guys in this community are so obsessed with +1s: we’re forever trying to even the ledger.
The other way he can do that? Avoid women who withhold sex for relationships, which is why most of us have a three date-ish (or fewer) rule for sex: because if she hasn’t slept with you after three dates, the attraction either isn’t there or she’s using sex as a bargaining chip. He can also embrace non-monogamy.
In almost every relationship, at some point, the chick will withhold sex to see what happens. In some ways it’s the same shit test as when a girl says, “we’re not having sex tonight,” and the guy’s reaction should be the same as well: “no worries,” and then he withdraws attention. In a relationship, this is less likely to achieve the desired result (sex), but it’s still the right play.
The problem comes if and when the sex continues to dry up. To some degree this is natural: NRE (new relationship energy) doesn’t last forever, and after a month or several the pace of sex is going to slow (another classic relationship problem non-monogamy can alleviate). But if sex becomes significantly less frequent and/or it’s clear she’s using sex as a bargaining chip, action is necessary in the form of dread. The first part of this happened recently with Fest Girl.
One night a couple weeks back Fest Girl made a clear point of not having sex with me. “Wasn’t in the mood.” Which is fine, and I played it cool as described above. But as she dug in her heels through the night, I played my next card, which was to bring up non-monogamy: “we both know that at some point we’re going to be attracted to other people or not be able to meet the other’s needs…what should happen then?”–that sort of thing. It’s something we’ve talked about before–indeed, we’ve been talking about it here and there since the first night we had sex–and seems to have achieved the desired result:
A) The pace of sex hasn’t slowed since: we’re still getting after it 1-3 times a day when we’re together.
B) Non-monogamy has been introduced as a solution to the problem of sex becoming less frequent as time goes on.
Of course, Fest Girl didn’t like that I brought it up in that context (her withholding sex), but that’s also why it worked: because instead of accepting her current monopoly in terms of sex, I reminded her that I could have sex with lots of other girls should I so choose–and that at some point I’m going to do just that.
Machiavellian? Maybe, but if you don’t manage your relationships with women intelligently, and sometimes ruthlessly, you fail not only yourself, but her as well. In the novel SHOGUN, Toranaga doesn’t get where he gets by inaction.
TRP works IN a relationship and OUT of one: if you’re dominant and playful with her, run strong game, and most importantly, continue to stay in shape, lift, and pursue your mission, most women will not withhold sex or lose desire, even in long term relationships (doesn’t mean it will never happen, but it won’t happen with any great frequency). Because if you’re doing the above, other women will want to fuck you, and, as long as that remains true, withholding sex endangers her value to you, and most women understand this.
Over analysis and contradictory logic—killing passion with linear thinking.
Aella didn’t withhold sex, so that wasn’t the reason her relationship failed. Chemistry matters in relationships, both sexual and interpersonal, which means in some cases people just aren’t going to click and there’s not much they can do about it. Aella is also a peculiar person seeking the same, which complicates matters for her.
Another common mistake women make in terms of relationships is expecting chemistry to happen in a linear, predictable way–the result of certain factors being present separately instead of their synergy together. It’s also why dating apps don’t serve women particularly well: on top of falsely inflating a woman’s perception of her SMV (and setting her up to get pumped and dumped by guys who have no intention of sticking around), they convey the idea good relationships are rote rather than dynamic–that it’s merely a matter of finding a guy who’s attractive and has the resume of qualifications: good job, fun hobbies, and whatever else she happens to be looking for.
But that’s not how chemistry works. Attraction is rooted in physical appearance, but it’s also emotional, situational, pheromonal, and conditional–and thus forever changing (we all know people who married and have children, despite not liking each other initially). This is especially true for women, because unlike men, who’s base evolutionary strategy is to have sex with as many attractive, young, fertile women as possible, women have a much longer, more complex game to play: first, she needs to secure sex and become impregnated by the most attractive, dominant (alpha) man she has access to, but then also needs some entity–whether it’s that same man, another, a tribe, or some other provider–to support her. While she’s raising these children, she needs to be sure that they are safe, educated, and learning to survive within that tribe/society’s rules and norms. So while a man’s sexual strategy doesn’t change much if at all (have sex with attractive young women), women have a divergent and changing set of needs–it’s not simply physical, or any other particular thing. It depends.
Game works because players learn to cue a woman’s biological and social attraction triggers to suggest that at the very least, he can fulfill her first need: sex with an alpha male. Women dislike game because it demystifies and commoditizes romance. A truly strong player suggests he can fulfill the other needs as well–if he wants to–and that creates a strong base of attraction for the woman. But all this is based on physical, interpersonal interaction(s): it can’t be achieved through cold reasoning or ticking off an academic checklist.
Which is what many women do, particularly as they get older and start looking for a longer term, more stable relationship. Aella does this explicitly–her “date me” experiment is a rote set of questions meant to measure/predict attraction and compatibility. But this strategy doesn’t work well, because a lot of men who look great in photos and/or on paper aren’t particularly charismatic or even socially proficient, and because women eliminate a lot of men they’d find attractive and have chemistry with who don’t check enough boxes on the list.
Beyond sexual attraction, relationships are subject to changing emotions, conditions, situations, and circumstances; they are non-linear and dynamic. You can’t choose a partner or a husband in the same way you might interview and evaluate applicants for a job posting. And yet, this is EXACTLY what a huge number of women do.
Want to kill the spark and attraction in a relationship? Want to end up with men you’re not “excited” about? Withhold sex and treat men like androids instead of human beings and that’s what you’ll get.
A third factor not applicable to most women but specific to Aella, still serves as a warning, especially for younger women considering a career on OnlyFans, stripping, or any other form of sex work: selling sex in any form, even if it’s just pictures, degrades a woman’s ability to find/appreciate genuine love. What Aella and other women cashing in on the booming simp market are doing is taking a matter of the heart–something that at its best is pure and genuine–and monetizing it. Talk to fishing guides and many will tell you they hate fishing for a similar reason: something recreational and novel has become an everyday job.
Can Aella and other sex workers feel the same level of “excitement” about sex they’re not paid for?
Probably not, because by selling sex, beyond making it a commodity, they’re damaging their ability to feel in that way—deadening it—the same way a drug addict increases his tolerance and has to up the dose to get the same effect. This is probably also somewhat true of women who post a lot of racy pics or videos on Tik-Tok or IG: after all, how can one man’s attention and value compare with thousands of likes and unlimited attention, even if it’s only from simps?
From a distance, he can’t, and it’s why, while the internet and smartphones have delivered us massive abundance in terms of dating and options–especially for women–it hasn’t made finding love any easier. Indeed for a lot of people it’s made it worse, both because we’re mostly stuck in our bird’s-eye-view of who someone is rather than experiencing them IRL, and because it’s warped our behavior on the margins: some number of women have in effect made themselves un-marriageable–too picky, or poisoned by the false validation of social media and/or sex work–as are some number of men: the Chads who never need to settle down and the simps who are invisible to most women.
I suspect a player can have the same sort of problems as a sex-worker on a long enough timeline, and for some of the same reasons. If all we do is have sex with women and that’s their only function in our lives, it’s hard to appreciate the other reasons it’s nice to have one around. Moreover, Game can become a job–fun as fuck and addictive, but there’s also an element of work to it, along with the repetitive pattern that happens when you get good: the same lines, routines, and tactics that work on most girls–because of course they do. Mastering the game takes deliberate practice for most men, and most people never bother to deliberately practice anything.
My relationship with Fest Girl has me believing I can still come back and be normal, but I will say this: there’s no way I can do monogamy in the long run anymore, knowing what I know and being able to do what I can do, which means she’ll have to accept the relationship opening up at some point. I’ll probably not worry too much about it through New Years, but there will be a new chapter to write in 2022.
For now, cheers gents!