Top 7 Lessons from Tom Torero, Teacher and Legend

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When I was first getting into game, I came across Tom Torero–I believe YouTube was my first exposure, but I listened most to his podcast, which may not be available anymore (hit me up if you have a connection and I’ll link to it). If you listened to episode #200 you heard my short VM about how day game changed my life. I write this account because I know the power of game and how it may change the lives of others.

And it truly has changed mine. Fest Girl, my current GF, is a product of day game: the fact I was there and my ability to execute a solid cold approach won the day and the girl, as it has so many other times. I owe a big shout out to Tom for that success as well as many others, and it saddens me that he is no longer with us. It’s true, however, that I furtively splooged into another girl recently, so I may not be totally honoring my commitment to Fest Girl, but that will have to wait for an FR. 

My best friend committed suicide in 2016 and, as that is apparently how Tom went, I want to relate something my childhood friend’s dad said to us driving to fish steelhead on a wintry morning many years ago: ”If you’re thinking about suicide, you’re at rock bottom, and if you’re at rock bottom, there’s only one place things can go…up.”

He was right. If you’ve ever thought about suicide, that’s about as dark as it can get, and almost by definition it can only get better (particularly as psychedelics become legalized for therapuetic uses). When you’re in the darkness, it can be hard to see a way out. But in my experience the way out is a hand up–a light that shows you the way. So please, if you’re in a dark spot, reach out to a friend or family member and let them know. Or a suicide hotline. You can just say: hey, I need help. Honestly, if you need it, I will be that guy to the extent I can, even if I don’t know you. I do charge for coaching, but if you simply need a person to talk to and listen, I’m here. Reach out. DMs are open.

The best way to remember those we’ve lost is to recall what we learned from them and pass that knowledge on to others—so let’s get to the biggest takeaways I learned from Tom, one of the GOATs of game:

#1–Don’t be a pussy: Approach!

Most guys are pussies when it comes to approaching girls. Approaching a random woman, especially if she’s super hot, is hard and scary, but this is the simplest difference between a successful player and all other men. The guys who get good at this learn not to be scared, or at least they learn to bury or ignore fear. Was I scared when I first started approaching? You bet. Sometimes I still am. But as Tom always said: are you a man, or a mouse? Most guys are mice, and I doubt that will change, but, for me, what has helped most in my progression was the fact I refuse to let myself be a mouse. Am I perfect? Of course not. I still weasel on sets. No one, no matter how good, is going to have a flawless record on approaching every possible attractive woman he sees. But the guys who get good don’t puss out–it’s the exception, because the rule is that he sacks the fuck up and to talks to her.

My job as a coach is to get my clients laid, and with that in mind, I give them a simple out by explaining how to do OLD and do it right. I hate OLD, but if you get good enough photos you can match with girls who are on average at or -1 of your SMV. Are you going to match with 8s? Unless you’re a male 9 or 10, probably not. From what I can tell, most high 7s and 8s aren’t on OLD, because they don’t need to be, or they’re minimally on it. But if you’re OK fucking 5s, 6s, and 7s, OLD can work, to an extent, if you put in the time, stay on top of the algorithms, and make proper adjustments to your dating profile. If you’re smart and in the know, you can take the girl who’s a point below you and visit sex parties with her, leading to more opportunities.

From what I can tell, a lot of guys are happy with what and who they get online–which is totally fine. It’s not living up to a man’s potential, but it can be fine: most guys want to get laid and if they’re getting laid that’s enough. Hell, I’m evidence of that: Fest Girl is hot and fucks me a lot and as a consequence I’ve been willing to be monogamous with her (until recently) and not worry too much about other chicks so long as she drains my balls, which she does, gloriously.

That said, part of my satisfaction with Fest Girl is that she’s super hot–the type of girl I could not get on Tinder

With Fest Girl, I could’ve been a pussy. She was in a group, including guys, and I could’ve told myself: meh, I’ll go talk to someone else. There were lots of girls around. But no, I saw that she was hot and knew I had the skill to open, so I did it. I wasn’t a pussy, and that has gotten me some of the best pussy I’ve ever had. 

#2—What you say matters less than your attitude, body language, and delivery.

Game isn’t about canned lines. It’s not a lego to build, nor does it come with instructions. The best Game is organic and happens in the moment, but your best bet in terms of making whatever you say stick is to have the right attitude, body language, and delivery. It’s about making girls feel, not think. Girls don’t think in the way men do. Guys on Twitter always talk about “Frame:” this is part of what Frame is–you are showing her that you’re a badass through action and confidence. Good Game is a lot like good writing: show, don’t tell. Show the girl what it would be like to fuck you–are you confident, fit, sexy, powerful. If she can’t see that in your behavior, it almost doesn’t matter what you say, and vice-versa.

How do you teach this? I’m not entirely sure it can be done through reading alone, because it’s an aura or attitude, not theoretical, which is why the biggest game changer seems to be spending time in the presence of a guy who does this stuff. I’ve been privileged to make friends with a lot of strong players, and simply hearing them talk about chicks and what they do is invaluable–I suspect it’s part of the reason I’m an effective coach.

However, if you don’t have a mentor or someone who can demonstrate the non-verbal stuff, the only other way to learn it is to go talk to a bunch of girls…AND calibrate!

#3: Calibrate–make adjustments and learn from both your mistakes and successes.

Talking to girls/approaching/not being a pussy IS the most important thing a guy can do in game, and figuring out the right body language, etc, is next, but some guys who can do both of the above, don’t, for whatever reason, seem to learn much from their experience.

Think of cold approach like battleship: girls are random AF, so some of what you say/do will HIT and some will MISS. Of course, if you read my blog and follow other players, you should have a good idea of what’s more likely to hit, but you’re still going to miss. A LOT. But that’s OK if you learn, like in the game to miss less and hit more.

Keep it super basic:

  1. Hit–the girl liked what you said/did. Why? Figure out what that thing is and keep doing it, because it will probably work again.
  2. Miss–the girl did not like what you said/did. Why? Figure it out, and do that less.

Over time, if you apply this basic learning mechanism, you SHOULD get better and better to the point where you become proficient, and then from there advance to mastery.

Why don’t some guys get better? There’s no great way to say this: some guys are social retards. They don’t understand how to interact with people, interpret emotions, and some even fail to respond appropriately to heavy implication and/or direct statements. To get good at game, we have to learn to be good with people. The only way to do that is to have a lot of social interactions in our lived experience, which is why spending all day on Twitter isn’t useful. Go outside, talk to people, have friends, be social. Other guys are ugly, although the number for whom this is truly their limiting factor is small. 

Assuming the above doesn’t apply, many guys don’t spend time thinking about what they’ve done in retrospect and making the appropriate adjustments–another way of saying this is that they fail to separate the signal from the noise. This is where writing field reports (your player blog!) is useful, because it’s easy to simply read what other guys do (or watch on YouTube, or listen to a podcast) and then repeat that mindlessly. “This should work–guys say it works–so I’ll just keep doing it.” Different things work for different guys, and the right approach in one scenario is the wrong approach in another. The real world is complex

For example, conventional wisdom in day game is that we should open direct, but I’ve found in many situations it’s better to open indirect, with a tease or an observation, before making an SOI (statement of intent aka going direct “your actually pretty cute” or something like that) later in the conversation. Why? Part of it’s my location in the U.S. where women are hyper masculine and skeptical of cheap male attention, and part of it’s the fact that I prefer events and set pieces to true mass approach street game, but, whatever the reason, this works for me. Maybe in general it IS good for most guys to go direct–that’s what Tom would have said–but the point here is to figure it out. Every approach should teach us something, which we should then apply to future approaches. Calibrate.

#4–The girl is your mirror.

If you’re happy, she’ll be happy. If you like it, she’ll like it. If you think fucking her is fantastic and get super into it, guess what? She’ll think fucking you is fantastic and be super into it.

Women are built to comply and submit to dominant men they want to fuck. They’re also herd animals who are far more likely to follow than they are to lead–indeed, she doesn’t want to have to make decisions or decide what to do or be responsible for the entertainment. That’s your job. But trust that if you do so with confidence, class, and a devil may care attitude, she’ll follow along.

This is why, on the approach, if you start flirting with her, sexualizing the conversation, being silly and/or teasing, she’ll fire it right back at you. Fact is, we–humans–like that sort of thing, and it’s one of the fastest ways you can create sexual tension and connection with the girls you’re gaming, whether on the approach or dating.

It’s also why shit like The Cube works, or why saying, “you’re dangerous, aren’t you?” works–because even though it might sound goofy or corny on Twitter, if you’re confident with your delivery in person (#2), it sounds badass IRL. How you speak and make her feel usually matters more than the exact words. Guys who parrot the words without understanding the playful attitude, often fail. 

#5–When in doubt, escalate.

On the approach or on a date, when in doubt, escalate. 

“Spike it up,” Tom used to say, and he was right. During the approach this means making an SOI, teasing, flirting, etc. It could even mean getting physically closer to her, or initiating kino by touching the ring on her hand or tattoo on her arm; Fest girl told me that when I touched her hands on our first date she knew we were going to fuck. Make her feel your sexuality and see you as a sexual prospect. If she feels your sexuality and rejects it, it might be time to talk to more girls. 

Same thing is true in dating. Should you try to kiss her? Yes. Take off her clothes? Yes. Fuck her? Yes. Trust me, if she doesn’t want you to do that stuff she won’t let you and/or will say no. 

Additionally, you can escalate and/or fuck a chick in a lot of places you don’t think you can. I once blew it with a chick because I didn’t fuck her in a parking garage. I’d fingered her in a bar earlier that night and we were making out, getting super handsy when she got to her place, but for some reason–my guess is she lived with a boyfriend or parents–she wouldn’t let me come upstairs. Pretty sure I could’ve just pulled down her pants and pulled out my dick and fucked her then and there though. The next time I had a similar chance I fucked a chick in the back of her truck. Excellent. So don’t let location become a reason/excuse not to escalate. You should use a condom but realistically many of us don’t, and a lot of girls don’t like condoms. She can bend over standing or lie down in lots of places as long as there’s some measure of privacy, and there may be reasons you can’t get her to your place or hers.

Escalate, escalate, escalate. If it’s on the approach you want her to think of you as a guy she’d like to fuck, and if she came out on a date it’s because she thinking about fucking you. I told a client a couple weeks back that the difference between the guy who gets boyfriend sex after two months and seven dates and the guy who gets player sex on the first date is that the latter tried and the former didn’t. Assume the attraction. She wants you to win. She wants you to fuck her. So stop being a pussy and do it.

#6–Make strong, sexual eye contact. 

Tom used to call this the “Tiger eye.” Unbelievably important, and perhaps one of the most underrated aspects of game. Whether you’re approaching or dating a woman, making and holding strong eye contact is absolutely crucial. I tell clients they should look at a girl like they want to fuck her–if you had to tell a girl you wanted to fuck her, but you couldn’t say anything and could only communicate using eye contact, look at her like that.

Not much more to be said about it than that, because it’s simple, but always keep that in the back of your mind: if you start getting fewer numbers and/or fewer lays, ask yourself if you’re making that strong eye contact. Chances are you’re not, and that’s why you’re seeing a decrease in efficiency.

#7–Pay attention to your grooming.

If you don’t have a pair of tweezers, go to the store and buy some. Same with a decent electric razor with attachments, regular blade razors and shaving cream, hair gel or wax or whatever, deodorant, and cologne. 

Then, clean your ass up, and continue to do so every few days. You should pluck your eyebrows, shave nose hair, shape and trim your beard, keep your body hair under control, and always be clean and smell good. Super basic shit, but incredibly important and something a lot of guys ignore.

***

I’m still incredibly sad that Tom is no longer with us, but I hope I’ve honored him here by recalling the lessons he taught me. Again, if you’re in a dark place, reach out and get help. I promise: things will get better! 

Much love brothers–and Tom, RIP!

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