The four basic elements of a good cold approach

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Girls are random, but there are patterns within the randomness, and girls are more likely to respond to attractive men who are pursuing them and sending “YES” signals. I believe it’s Nash who says “Game is non-linear:” we call someone a pick-up artist because pickup is an art, not a science. In practical terms, there’s no guaranteed formula for getting women, but there are a lot of different ways to be a good “artist.” How do we know it’s good art? It’s subjective of course–some people like it, some don’t, some think it’s life-changing. This applies to how women perceive men too; one chick might think I’m a no-talent douchebag, whereas another who’s even hotter thinks I’m Chad Thundercock. Neither is necessarily wrong, as art, like men, are a matter of taste.

However, even if their mediums, methods, and art are different, good artists have similar practices: they work hard (1), calibrate what does and doesn’t work (they learn to walk away from bad art), refine their methods, try new things, think creatively, etc. At the core of his practice, a good artist captures something true about life or beauty that evokes powerful emotions in the people experiencing the work, whether a brilliant painting, delicious food, a display of athletic ability—or an insightful blog about getting laid

Similarly, the primary goal for any true player is to evoke and stoke strong sexual urges in women. There are a lot of ways guys can do this, but whatever his approach is—drug dealer, festival party guy, brooding hipster, Wall St. yuppy, country Romeo, or foreign lover (mind your archetype)—they express their sexual desire for the woman directly. The woman thinks: this guy fucks, and she knows he wants to fuck her. She also knows he can take it or leave it. Yes, he wants her, but if she’s not into it or is going to play too many games, he’ll move on to another girl. There’s always a girl out there who will do the things top guys want.

The first stumbling block for all men is that a girl is not going to tell you to fuck her. There will often be no signal she likes you, or has even noticed you exist. And you can talk to her all day, but if you don’t show her you want to fuck her in some way–like initiating kino, using strong eye contact, delivering an SOI (statement of intent), teasing, flirting, spiking, etc.–she will think you don’t want to fuck her. This is one of the most valuable things I do for my clients: I identify where they’re not showing intent and explain how they can do it!

Some number of men out there are aggressive as soon as they start getting boners…and they get chicks! Not all the time, but guys whose game is that simple—they want to fuck chicks and try to do it—will always fuck more chicks than guys who sit back and wait for an invitation that never comes and will never come. Whatever the Woke Religions want you to believe, women are by nature are incredibly passive; they are pleased most when pleasing others, and rarely take initiative. The most dynamic musicians, CEOs, and inventors are MEN, because for us it’s a way to survive, thrive, and get laid. For women, it’s a hobby, and it won’t get them laid–not the way they want, anyway. Women want to be desired by the kinds of men she desires. She wants to be a sex object. We, as men, want to be the sort of man who fucks women that are sex objects.

But she’ll never know if the guy doesn’t make it explicit. Women are indirect. Men are direct. Did she know you wanted to fuck her? If not, you blew it, and it’s your fault. She won’t make the move–that’s your job.

On the flip side, some girls will never be interested in you no matter how tight your game is. I pride myself on game, and people even tell me things like (humble brag): “Jesus Christ you’re charming.” Most everyone I meet likes me…but guess what? Some of them don’t! Many of the dates I go on end without sex. Lots of girls who seemed into me, as it turned out, weren’t. Or, I was pushing too fast. And I fucked some of that up–surely I did. But it is what it is. I am an artist. My vibe doesn’t hit with every girl every time… 

But it does often enough. Most of the time, girls like what I do with them–for example, my GF is insanely jealous because she sees how good I am with people on a daily basis, especially women. She knows I have options. 

Whatever your personal style, if you do the following four things when you’re talking to girls, you’re likely to  eventually do really well–as long as you put in the work (more on this later).

1. Show Intent.

When an artist is finished with his work, he shows it to the public. And that’s scary. What if it doesn’t work (most books sell less than a few dozen copies)? What if people think it’s stupid or silly? What if I cross some line I’m not supposed to cross (this is the problem with a society that increasingly rejects freedom of speech)?

When you’re gaming a girl, you need to show intention. This can happen a lot of ways: kino (physical touch), a direct statement “you know, you’re kinda cute”, spiking (“what’s the craziest place you’ve kissed someone”), flirting, teasing, etc.

Whatever you do, some-way some-how she needs to know you want that pussy. And though it’s generally not great to be blunt, it’s better to be blunt than obtuse. The guy who asks 100 girls to fuck has some chance of getting laid. The guy who has a pleasant conversation with 100 girls but never expresses interest has no chance. Are some girls aggressive? Sure. But they tend to be aggressive with Chads who fuck, not shy Soy boys. 

2. Be fun, energetic, and positive.

“Why so serious?”

The Joker has a point. As Cyndi Lauper famously crooned, “Girls just wanna have fun,” and that means YOU need to be fun. Girls like guys who are funny too, but you don’t have to be a comedian–all you really need is a cheeky grin (a slight smirk, like there’s something you know and no one else that gives you an edge), a bright attitude, and the frame of seeing life for what it is: a wonderful chance to play around and have a good time.

Girls are all over the place emotionally, and legacy and social media doesn’t help. Our society is overly harsh, negative, and critical–which is why so many people are miserable in a modern world with more opportunity and comfort than has ever been available to literally all of the humans living before now. This is why I don’t understand why so many Red Pill guys are obsessed with politics: you are literally crushing your vibe and injecting yourself with fear and anger. If you were a girl, would you want a guy who’s angry, fearful, and negative to get on top of your little body and start thrusting? No–and girls sense your vibe innately. If you’re a brooding asshole, you’re going to have a really hard time getting pussy. Kendrick Lamar sang, “Bitch don’t kill my vibe.”

Get your mind right. Just like lifting, developing a positive outlook in life is great for game, but it’s also great for life, both in terms of health and experience. The true player has a DGAF attitude and amused mastery–he is impervious to bad vibes, because he knows things will work out.

3. Demonstrate high value.

An obstacle we have doing cold approach is that the girl doubts or mistrusts our value. The fact that you went up to her shows massive balls–girls so often use the term “bold”–so she knows you have some value…but at the end of the day, you’re still a random guy she’s meeting on the street, in a coffee shop, at the grocery store, etc., and before she’s going to give the number and especially before she’s going to go on a date with you, she needs to see that you have some value.

We can show value in a number of ways, but I’ll list a few here:

  • Looks/fitness
  • A good or interesting job
  • Your own place, especially a cool one
  • Money, so long as it’s mentioned obliquely or implied
  • Good fashion
  • A fun social life
  • Travel
  • Talents–like surfing, or playing guitar
  • Accomplishments
  • Drugs or access to drugs (yep, I said it)
  • Knowledgeable
  • Funny
  • Interesting
  • Mysterious

Likewise, there are a number of ways to show her these values in a conversation. For example, I’ve written a couple books that I can show her on Amazon. I can usually make a girl laugh in conversation. I’m into psychedelics. Your value proposition is surely different than mine, and that’s OK–what a player needs to do is figure out what his value to a woman is, and then make sure she knows about it. This is true on the approach, but also on the date. 

As Todd V tells us, for a girl to sleep with you, she needs to see that you have enough value that sex with you is a win for her. She also needs to experience enough comfort that she trusts you, but that comes later. I would also add that as we shift toward a world that is more R-selected (meaning lots of fast, casual sex), value matters more than comfort–that’s especially true on the approach.

How you decide to deliver that value is something guys have to figure out. The London Daygame guys are huge fans of the “Yad stop”–and for good reason: it works. It’s one way of demonstrating masculne value from the very beginning of the interaction. But I’ve only done it a few times because it’s not my game–I’m much more comfortable with a direct approach, or with girls who are stationary, or who are in more social situations where they’re not moving around quickly (like a farmers market or street fair). The same is true of the type of conversation you have with the girl. Again, the London Day Game Model works–but as long as you show your value during the interaction in some way, your odds of success with each girl increases massively. 

Don’t be a robot. Be an artist. Figure out what works for you. Play to your strengths. Just make sure that the girls understands you are a high quality guy with value by the time you go for the close.

4. Close/Ground

I was doing some live virtual coaching a few weeks back, and in the first real set, my client had a really good interaction with a chick…and then he just let her go. My question: why didn’t you close her? And he realized: oh yeah, I should have.

Always go for the close. Always. Unless she says she’s underage or mentions some other major red flag, ask for the number–even if it’s a super short set! I’ve had sets bordering on less than a minute that led to dates and lays. The hardest thing in cold approach is the first part: going up to the girl and opening her. Once you’ve done that, you’ve earned the right to ask for the number, so DO IT! Don’t let her walk away without closing. Plus, you don’t know where you stand with a girl until you try. 

If possible, ground while you close. Grounding is showing her you’re a real person with a real life who has things to do, not some guy just wandering the streets talking to girls. The latter is often true–but she doesn’t need to know that. You’re on your way to meet some friends. You’re going to a sporting event or concert later. You’re shopping for a dinner party or friend’s birthday. Whatever it is, tell her a little about yourself. This is where you can mention a job, neighborhood, hometown, etc. Remember how she needs enough comfort on top of the value you’ve shown? This is how you can do that.

Use the time to build even more comfort. One thing guys in the states can do after the, “put your number in my phone and I’ll text you” close, is when she’s putting the number in, comment on the area code. If you know it, like say it’s 808 (Hawaii), you can have a short conversation about that. If you don’t know it, ask about it and again, have a short conversation about where she’s from/where you’re from. Now, that’s just one example–maybe she mentions she’s on her way to go wine tasting with friends as you’re taking the number. Great. Make some small talk about that and then let her go. However you do it, I’ve found that grounding as you close is massive in terms of building enough comfort for her to respond to your texts and then eventually come out on the date.

If you don’t go out and try–a lot–you will fail by default.

None of the above is new to guys who are game aware, but sometimes it helps to state things in different ways, and, for guys who are new to game, this essay is a useful blueprint for the things that you should be doing in a typical cold approach. You should be doing a lot of the same types of things on a date, which is why I say cold approach is the greatest force multiplier in game there is–because it builds the muscle you need to do well with girls at every stage of the game. 

Cold approach is the only highly effective, scalable way older guys can meet hot, young girls consistently. The apps often won’t show your profile to younger girls if you’re over 30-35, and the girls are much less likely to swipe on you if they can see you’re older–that’s true even if you do the Tinder Platinum gambit where you list your age as younger and then hide it (if you want help on how to optimize the apps, hit me up). As I told a client in a VM today, it’s one of the market inefficiencies in the modern SMP, because a lot of younger women in their 20s ARE attracted to guys in their 30s/40s. 

The daygame market is barely tapped, because MOST GUYS simply don’t approach enough. In other words: none of what I wrote above matters if you’re not doing enough approaches. Most guys are getting only a sliver of the approaches they need to ever get good at this–and therefore, they won’t. They’ll remain ineffective and think cold approach doesn’t work, when the truth is they haven’t tried it. Practicing cold approach doesn’t need to take a ton of time, but if you aren’t getting at LEAST 10-15 approaches a week, you’re not going to make much progress.

If you want help, hit me up for coaching. Let’s work together. And in the meantime, go talk to girls!

(1) Sure, some artists probably don’t and catch lightning in a bottle, but those people fade away fast. Any artist, whether a painter, musician, writer, actor, etc., who is relevant for more than a few years, is working hard at what they do, and many people you’ve never heard of and never will have worked hard creating art. Even the OnlyFans and Tik-Tok, chicks who do well on those platforms are hustling. There is no easy way.

One comment

  1. Polite addition: sometimes you can get pre-selected. I have known several guys who got pulled out of a crowd and coaxed into hanging out.
    It took travel, decent looks, being interesting, one common “hook”, and some semblance of “adventure”.

    The travel and uniqueness got them pulled. The rest got them laid or at least having a wild time, which means a bit when your life has its ups/downs.


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