Why guys are missing lays, and how to calibrate on dates.

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About a month ago, Mr. Blackwing expressed frustration about some missed opportunities.

This happens to a lot of guys–and in particular it seems to happen between date one and date two: girls fall off, disappear, ghost, never come back out.

Before we get into the “why” and “calibration,” let’s set down some metrics:

If your date:lay ratio (meaning # of girls you date vs. # of girls you lay) is worse than 4:1, something’s wrong. A truly good date:lay ratio is 3:1 or under, but 4 is fine. As I reminded a client recently, NO ONE lays every girl he dates, for any number of reasons: maybe she’s crazy, socially retarded, a time waster, the vibe is off, etc.

Additionally, there are also two ideas Todd V would remind us of:

  1. Getting laid always comes down to a balance of value and comfort. Value, meaning, fucking you is a win for her, because you are super hot, famous, rich, connected, sexy, etc. Comfort, meaning, she trusts you–you’re not a threat to her physically, she likes you as a person, and/or there is potential for a relationship.
  1. There are at least three conditions where getting laid happens:
    • Fucking you is a win for the girl–typically this happens where your value is higher than hers, whether that’s SMV, money, fame, etc. This is not going to be typical for most guys. 
    • Narrative–the story she can tell herself, and potentially others, about why she slept with you or is with you, is a good one.
    • You’re the last dick standing. It’s late, you managed to stay sober enough not to pass out, and girls hate to sleep alone.

XBTUSD reminds us of two other reasons guys get laid:

  • She’s in a “hoe” phase. Vacations, in between boyfriends, just got out of a long relationship, has moved to a new city away from friends/family, etc.
  • She thinks sex with you will be good, i.e. you will respect her no’s. You won’t make her feel like a slut after. You seem to use your body well and are comfortable with touch. You can escalate and lead, etc.

When you analyze why you missed the lay, think about value vs. comfort–did you offer her enough of both, strike the right balance, etc? Second, was one of the three conditions in play? Players live in condition B: the story of why she fucked you is a good one–and the best players incorporate the advice above by finding those girls in their “hoe” phase, and/or presenting oneself as a good sex partner.

Some common mistakes guys make on the date that will decrease and/or prevent you from getting laid…

Bad body language/eye contact. Like: slouching, having a resting bitch face, not making strong, sexual eye contact, fidgeting, being overly expressive with your hands, crossing your arms, crossing your legs, etc.

Not being able to hold a conversation. This is tricky because it’s not an easy fix, but, if you can’t make connections between topics, tease and flirt, tell stories, listen without interrupting, carry a conversation if the girl is quiet/introverted, etc., it’s going to be damn difficult to get her to feel comfortable enough to want to sleep with you. You could hire a coach, but most guys don’t want to or are too cheap to do it. Some things I’ve told clients and others that can help with getting better at conversation: 

  • Pick up a few shifts a week as a host, server, or bartender at a busy restaurant–or any job where you’ll be forced to talk to a lot of people.
  • Read books. Books expand your linguistic ability in so many ways I’m not going to bother to go into all of them here, but at the very least you increase your knowledge (stuff to talk about), learn what normal conversation looks like, and better understand how other people view/experience the world (aka sympathy/empathy). Movies, series, and podcasts are good too, IF you’re actually paying attention. The problem with most people is they’re fucking around on their phone the whole time the movie/show/pod is on, so they don’t learn anything.
  • Do improv, give speeches or presentations, start recording voice memos–get used to talking where you’ll get feedback. 
  • Go actually do A LOT of cold approach. This is where guys who do day/night game have a huge advantage over guys who do OLD only, because when you do CA, you’re actively practicing talking to girls, and if you do that enough, eventually you’ll get good at it. Remember, volume here is king: if you’re not doing at least 15 sets a week, you’re not going to get good super fast because you may never get over that hump.
  • Call people and have long phone conversations with them. 

Bringing up bad topics for conversation. Think about the “toos”: too boring, too angry, too silly, too political, too agreeable, too serious. No, she doesn’t want to hear about your political views, or your job (unless you’re something super cool, like a professional surfer,), or how you like cartoons still, or about the inevitable destruction of the current world order. Talk about any of this stuff for very long, and she will use that as her reason to NOT sleep with you for certain. She wants to feel, not think. Male nerds struggle with feeling.

Not escalating physically. She’s on a date with you. She got all dressed up, getting clean and smelling nice and wearing her sexiest outfit…and then you treated her like a co-worker you don’t know well and don’t want to offend. ESCALATE! Touch her hands, her arms, her thighs–find a plausible reason at first, yes, but then continue. She WANTS you to make moves, because remember: WOMEN WILL NOT DO IT. There’s not going to be an invitation; you either create the opportunity, or you don’t.

Bad logistics. If the date location is more than 15-20 minutes away, it’s going to be very difficult to bring her back to your place. Likewise, if you can’t sit next to her on the date, it’s going to be very hard to escalate. Girls need sex to be a thing that “just happens.” Every little thing that prevents that from happening, or delaying it, is something you should work to prevent.

Trying too hard, scarcity mindset, lack of confidence. Assume the attraction is super old school Game advice, but it’s SO important. If you don’t think she wants to fuck you–if you doubt it even for a second–she’ll sense that and conclude, rightly, that you don’t DESERVE to fuck her. Remember the old RPD rule: what would Chad do? Chad would assume that a girl out on a date with him wants to fuck and try to fuck her. So do that.

On the other hand, if you’re pawing at her all night aka trying too hard, it sends those same vibes–like you want it so bad it’s clear you’re desperate. And to be fair, it can be a tough line to walk, but you should want to come across as being sexually driven without expectation, as opposed to sexually reactive with expectation.

Significant mismatch in terms of SMV or age. There’s actually not much to correct here, but a lot of things can prevent you from getting laid that ARE NOT in your control. In this case, if the girl has a significantly higher SMV than you, or is quite a bit younger (or older, though why you’re trying to date older women is the question you should be asking), that can become an issue. Because at the end of the day, most people match up on age/SMV, as in: someone who is close to both. So, if she’s a 24 yo 8, she’s probably mostly fucked guys +/- 5 years of her age, who are 8s in terms of looks. If you’re game was so fucking good that you got her back to your place as a 43 yo 5, you fucking rock, but it’s also going to be hard to seal the deal, either because the conversations bares your age difference, or clothes coming off bares the mismatch in SMV.

The overall point here: think about how your dates go, what happens, and why it happened that way. Women go out on dates, especially 1st and 2nd dates, with an inclination to fuck–IF the guy doesn’t screw it up. But in order for that to happen, you have to strike the right balance of comfort and value, and you have to escalate, while avoiding topics or circumstances that are going to make her feel nervous or upset.

If you’re on the wrong side of the date:lay ratio, hit me up!

Otherwise, as always, happy hunting boys!

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